OF DUST AND DIVINE

Summer Squash Soup

2010-07-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

For me, soup has always been the girl that got away (disclaimer: not in the stalker/rapist sense). I can't count the number of times I've walked into a restaurant and enjoyed the most flavorful soups, then attempted something similar in my own kitchen that ended in a texture disaster or flavor crisis. It's just never the same.

I was browsing through Thomas Keller's (French Laundry, Ad Hoc, Per Se, etc.) book, Ad Hoc at Home, the other day and was struck by his thoughts on soup. He mentions something to the tune of every home cook having one or two great soup recipes they can rely on for summer and winter seasons. Soup has always been the hole in my recipe arsenal; I have my go-to's for meats, veggies, salads, breakfasts, and desserts, but soup has been elusive. Sure, there have been some good attempts, but nothing that I would ever serve to anyone besides myself and my wife (read: guinea pigs).

Mal and I have been enjoying the Upper Haight farmers' market on Wednesday evenings for a couple months now. The last few times we've been, some pretty incredible summer squash was just begging to be taken home and put to good use. A couple weeks ago, I tried out a summer veggie carbonara that was pretty good, but didn't quite make the cut. Besides, it's tough to get the stamp of approval from Mal on bacon dishes.

How could I say no?

That brings us to the wonderful recipe below: healthy, delicious, cheap, seasonal, easy, and makes a ton of soup. It's a winner, and I finally have an excellent soup recipe! (Note: since discovering this soup, I've actually made an excellent broccoli cheddar soup and chicken tortilla soup that I'll have to post later).

Summer Squash Soup with Parsley-Mint Pistou

Adapted from Gourmet, September 2006 and Smitten Kitchen

For Soup

3/4 stick unsalted butter, cut into pieces

1 medium onion, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced crosswise

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 lb yellow summer squash, halved and thinly sliced

2 carrots, thinly sliced

1 yellow-fleshed potato (1/2 pound), peeled, halved, and thinly sliced

4 cups chicken stock or reduced-sodium chicken broth

For Pistou - the green swirly. Mal hated it, I loved it. Soup is great either way.

3/4 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves

1/2 cup loosely packed fresh flat-leaf parsley sprigs

1 large scallion (green onion), chopped

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

2 tbs water

1/4 teaspoon salt

How To

Melt butter in a 6 quart wide heavy pot over medium heat, then cook onion with salt, stirring occasionally until softened, about 8 minutes. Add your squash, carrots, potato, and stock and bring to a boil. If the stock doesn't quite cover the veggies, then add some water. The size of the veggies is less important in this recipe as far as overcooking and undercooking goes since we're pureeing at the end. Just make sure they all get cooked. Reduce heat, then simmer, partially covered, until veggies are very tender, about 20 minutes. Remove from heat and then cool the soup for 10 minutes.

Puree the soup in a blender, food processor, or use a hand blender (easiest). Do it in batches if needed, and be careful since it's hot. Return the puree to the pot and add water if you need to thin it out. At this point, season generously with salt and keep tasting until it gets to the flavor you want. I used A LOT of salt to get the flavor to really pop, especially since the chicken broth I used was reduced sodium. Don't feel guilty, just do it.

If you want to do the pistou, make it while the veggies simmer. Pulse the mint, parsley, and scallion in a food processor until finely chopped. With motor running, add oil in a stream, and then add water and salt until it is all incorporated.

Swirl 1 tablespoon of pistou into each bowl of soup. Enjoy!!!

Grandma's Baked Oatmeal

2010-05-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

Copy this one down and enjoy it while you can! I'm not quite sure what the legal ramifications are for giving away family secrets, but I may receive a cease and desist in a few days for giving away my grandmother's recipes :) She and Grandpa figured out the internet a few years ago, so when she is not updating her geocities page, I'm sure she's just waiting for a family recipe to leak on here.

Joking aside, the best part about recipes from someone who has lived through the Great Depression and raised five children is that 1) the recipes are always simple, 2) the food is always delicious, and 3) all the ingredients are things you already have in your cupboard.

Baked oatmeal has been a breakfast staple for the Clark family for as long as I can remember. The dish is golden, crumbly, with subtle balance of sweet and salty. The recipe is versatile as you can add a 1/2 cup of craisins or chopped walnuts, pecans, etc. to mix things up a bit. I prefer my baked oatmeal plain, with some frozen raspberries served on top *mouth waters*.

Without further delay...

Ingredients (For 8x8 or a bread pan. For a 9x13 pan, double the ingredients below)
- 1 egg
- 3/4 cu. milk
- 1/3 cu. oil (canola)
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 cu. brown sugar
- 2 cu. oats
- 1 1/2 tsp baking powder

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In a bowl, beat the egg. Add the milk, oil, salt, and brown sugar and mix well. Add in the oats and baking powder. It shouldn't be watery, but it's ok if it looks a little thin. If it is really thin for some reason, just add a more oats to round things out. Pour the mixture into a greased pan or baking dish. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes until set and lightly browned.

I took a picture above, but it was on the hipstamatic app. I don't know what I was thinking...the app does a good job for friends and narcissistic self portraits, but not so much on food. Just imagine less red, and more golden brown goodness. Enjoy!

la blogotheque

2010-04-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

La Blogotheque is a wonderful site from a small group of French guys who shoot impromptu music videos of great bands playing on the streets of Paris, Montreal, etc. These little bits of joy are titled les concerts a emporter, or the takeaway shows.

I recently found that the group shot three songs for local natives during their time in st. malo - "wide eyes" on a carousel; "airplanes" at the ocean; and "stranger things" in a small pub. The "stranger things" segment of the video is particularly beautiful. Check it out!

(Sorry the video is so small...had to shrink it down to fit the blog. Just make it full screen to get a better view)

beer batter bread

2010-04-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago, Mal and I cooked up a large batch of our dear friend Jenna's famous kale and white bean soup. The recipe is actually from Real Simple, but might as well be canonized as a family recipe given the depth of flavor, the honesty of the ingredients, and the simplicity of preparation. If you haven't yet, check out Jenna's blog, google kale so you know what to get at the store (I accidentally bought butter lettuce the first time), and make this delicious soup for your friends and family tonight!

The problem I run across with hearty vegetarian soups is what to serve with them. In this case, the soup might as well qualify as a salad with all the leafy, green-y goodness. The recipe calls for relatively little pasta, so I suppose the carbohydrate department was hiring for dinner. To complement this relatively simple soup, I baked up an even simpler bread with the one ingredient to rule them all - BEER!

This quick bread is easy to make and tastes delicious with a thick layer of butter, making it the perfect partner for hearty soups, stews, and braises. The recipe comes from the Williams-Sonoma Baking Book, which has pretty consistently delivered fantastic recipes with varying degrees of difficulty and time consumption. The recipe below makes one 9-by-5 inch loaf.

Ingredients

- 3 cups all-purpose (plain) flour
- 3 tbsp firmly packed light brown sugar
- 1 tbsp baking powder
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 bottle (12 fl oz) beer, unopened and at room temperature
- 4 tbsp unsalted butter, melted, plus extra for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375. Grease a 9-by-5-inch loaf pan.

In a bowl, stir together the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, and salt. Open the beer and add it all at once; it should foam up. I used a bottle of Negra Modelo, as it was all I had on hand (besides one can of Tecate, but who really wants their bread to taste like Taco Tuesday?) The flavor turned out really well, but I'd be interested to hear if anyone has a good experience with a bit more unique beer. IPA? A nice red (I'm thinking Bear Republic Red Rocket for my next round of this bread)?

Stir the batter quickly until the ingredients combine (about 20 strokes). Note: at this point in the recipe, I had less of a better and more of a dough. I was well on the way to making beer dough bread, as I was literally kneading a ball of dough rather than mixing the ingredients in the bowl. I don't know whether to attribute this to slightly cool beer or a general lack of wet ingredients in this recipe, but it still turned out great. Either way, your batter (or dough) should be a bit lumpy. Pour (or place, in my case) into the greased loaf pan and drizzle with the melted butter.

Bake until the top is crusty and a cake tester comes out of the center clean, about 35-40 minutes. Let the bread rest in the pan 5 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack to cool. The bread is best served warm or at room temp the day it is made. Cut thick and put plenty of butter on this baby to really make this bread stand out.

Thoughts on leftovers: Just reheated some bread for breakfast this morning with kerry gold irish butter and my homemade raspberry jam. Just as good as the night before!

this past week...

2009-04-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

things i enjoyed...

1) growing closer to God
2) spending the weekend with Mallory
3) the shack
4) brooks brothers 3-pack slim fits
5) my first musical
6) fixing up an old victorian chair
7) long convos on the 5
8) weekend plans with good men
9) checking twitter for the umpteenth time
10) 3-day weekend
11) blue skies and crisp air
12) new TOMS
13) engagement photos

words

2009-04-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

have you ever been in a situation where you know something is true with all your heart, but it never really hits home until its spoken aloud?

i think a lot of things in life are like that, and i wonder at the power words have to both comfort and disillusion.

in a good sense, i know that the first time i told mallory that i loved her, she experienced the confirming power of spoken word over all that she had grown to know and feel. in a sense, speaking those beautiful words made the reality more tangible to me as well.

tonight i experienced that same power of word in a different sense. tonight words confirmed something i had long known, but never accepted. I suppose that is a large part of love though...knowledge and acceptance that is...and love grows to encompass both.

transition

2009-03-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about the transitions that i've gone through in my life to date, and more specifically, the transition that i'm passing through right now. it's actually a little bit overwhelming if i try to sit back and digest it all at one moment. there have been so many different kinds of transitions in my life, many of them simultaneous, overlapping, ebbing and flowing at various intensities, that reflecting on all this really moves me past the scope of my understanding as i look at the man i've become today.

for instance, there are the locational transitions...living in danville, moving to denver, moving to malibu, moving to florence, moving back to malibu, and finally landing back in the bay area; each transition with its own set of challenges and joys.

there is also the physical transition from childhood to adulthood. each stage has made its own unique mark on my life: my the pure joy of my youth, the seemingly "tortured" moments of my pre-adolescence which i would later find was quite wonderful and blessed, the awkwardness and confusion of adolescence, the exhilaration of reaching young adulthood, and the excited sense of content, assurance, and hope i feel as i step forward into the unknown as an adult.

oh and there are so many other transitions...the intellectual transition from pre-school to institutions of higher education and beyond...the spiritual transition from the faith of my parents to a dynamic relationship with the Lord...the relational transition as friends have come, gone, or continue to stay...i've really only touched on some of the most basic transitions, but i believe these are the most essential...you can weave the story of one's whole life when you layer these transitions upon each other, and if you pick up nearly every book, it is likely a story of transition and change.

i write this now because i want to reflect and slow down. i am now betrothed to mallory, and i think it almost goes without saying that behind my journey with the Lord, this is one of the most important periods of transition in my whole life. can i really say that though? who would i be today if not for every little transition, every change, every movement, every friend, every hardship, every loss, every triumph, every joy? the truth of the matter is that life is all one transition, one movement, moving in the same direction, never ceasing, never slowing...i find myself so buried in the minutia of the day that i've almost lost the beauty of this grand movement. imagine...the whole world, every person, moving, changing, coming, going, passing through, staying (but only for a while), and one day, at the end of our time, we meet the One who knew us, who loved us, who walked with us, who spoke to us, and who held my hand and guided my step through every change along the way.

God, to YOU be all the glory as i wake and sleep each day. please guide my steps as I pass through this life. i want to live every day to the fullest and richest, not in fear of transition, but loving the people and embracing the opportunities you've put in my life now. i love you with all my heart.

2009-02-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

Holy Father, i am weary and i am weak. there is a swelling in my throat and i'm having trouble differentiating between the pain from screaming rock band songs and the all too familiar feeling of helplessness when i realize i can't navigate this life without You.

to You be all the glory. please take my burden. You've promised that Yours is light in exchange. i long to follow You and know Your ways. i want to be close to Your heart. i want my life to reflect your Lordship and i am disappointed in my own attempts.

i'm beginning, what seems to me, one of the most important stages of my life to date. i want to follow You into the dark, into the unknown. like a small child, i want to stand behind You, hold Your mighty hand, and know that you are God, you are Father, and you are strong. thank You for Your many blessings. i love You with all my heart.

your son,
Jonathan

a new project!!!!

2009-02-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

i've had a side project on the backburner of my mind for a number of months now, and i'm feeling so strongly compelled to take action that it just might happen.

it all started in a creative rut. my line of work doesn't necessarily lend to the highest degree of creative output (unless you're bernard madoff, in which case you got REALLY creative and lost your character in the process). i suppose there is some truth in saying that creativity is required in appropriately structuring a loan, as much of the syndicated corporate lending space does not resign itself to your plain vanilla structuring needs. that aside, i've had to pursue creative outlets outside of work.

for a while, i would fire up my beautiful 5150 every night and shred until i felt it was sufficiently late that my neighbors would pound on the wall at any moment. recently though, i've been so exhausted from work that i really have not felt very musical, and instead, have chosen to sit in mike's dilapidated lazy boy and watch 24/lost/the office/etc. until my early bed time rolls around.

i've been getting a bit restless with no outlet for my creativity, so i tried imitating mallory for a while and found that most arts and crafts really aren't a guy thing, and that it is pretty wrong of me to even attempt to steal her "thunder" in this area. crafts are something that she is really good at, and just because i'm starving to find a creative outlet doesn't mean that i should latch on to hers. i learned this lesson early (fortunately without a lecture from her!) and i hit the road again in search of my exit.

i noticed something a couple months ago that got me thinking about my current project: men in our generation have very few role models. aside from men in the Bible, and those of us who are lucky enough to have wonderful fathers or older influences, i really believe there is a drought when it comes to male role models of immovable character, outstanding courage, deep faith and love, lofty thought, romantic hearts, articulate speech, and effortless style. i could write volumes about the previous sentence and all the men i look up to in those respective areas, but what inspired me creatively is the most superficial of these traits...the men of seemingly effortless and eternal style.

where are the bogart's, sinatra's, martin's, davis jr's, twain's, warhol's, jagger's, clooney's, reagan's, and beatles', etc. of our generation? as i've grown up, i've bounced from one horrible style into another...yes, jinco's, bull cuts, flat tops, tommy bahama, and abercrombie cargo pants included...largely because i had no one to teach me how to present myself like a man/young man! today i find myself no closer than my middle school days as i walk into the office with oxford shirts that could fit men three times my size, skinny jeans that bunch up in all the wrong places, and deep v's that have enough extra material on the chest to fit boobs that i (thankfully) was not endowed with.

so what value could i possibly add to this area of life given that i have little to no style of my own?!? i've decided to approach this problem two ways. 1) i'm going on a journey. given that i have no substantive advice of my own to offer, i've started researching and learning. my goal is to write another blog that is an amalgamation of everything that i've learned about the essentials of men's style and grooming. this will not be the most fashion forward stuff. this will not be all that trash you see on the runways. i want to write a basic guide for men that just teaches us (emphasis on myself included) how we can dress ourselves and take care of ourselves hygenically in such a way that we don't look like we never progressed beyond the watchful, nitpicking eye of our mothers in elementary school.

my second approach to this problem is where i can actually add some value. i've always been really good at finding the same thing everyone else has for a lot less money. i'm not always the most innovative, i'm not always ahead of the curve, but i'm really good at finding stuff for cheap. example: capiz floor lamps.

mallory has a capiz table lamp that is pretty baller, albeit a bit fem. i was wandering around target the other day and found two capiz floor lamps at a deeeeep discount. this was more of a mistake than diligent research on my part, but having an eye for deals, i did a quick check with her and snatched these babies up for our future casa. to put this in perspective, these things usually go for ~$230 each at west elm. i picked up two of these, nearly identical to the one above for $35 each. this puts savings somewhere in the ballpark of $390.

i'm not necessarily a cheapskate...i'm just a businessman who understands how businesses work. whenever you go into a place to buy something, there is obviously a profit margin attached. some stores are volume stores and will sell on thin margins, just barely over cost, and they stay in business because of the volume of items that they sell. other businesses market to you as "premium" or "designer" vendors and add ridiculously thick margins that no self-respecting person should ever pay. somehow we trick ourselves into thinking that because something is new, or designer, that it's ok to pay 500% the actual cost of making the item. this is never the case and it's all marketing. sure, some well made things cost a lot more to make and you need to pay up for the quality. in most cases though, especially the junk that comes out of the large fashion houses, the crap you're buying isn't worth nearly the sticker price.

essentially, the second part of my blog will teach guys (including myself, again), how to find the essentials (grooming and dress) for a price that you won't regret. this is my value add and hopefully will help some other curious viewers as well.

anyways, this might be a horrible idea, but i think it will be edifying for me at least in that i get to learn a few things about taking care of myself and i'll get to express myself somewhat uniquely and creatively in the process. thanks for reading!!!!

a social experiment of sorts

2009-02-02T21:32:00.000-08:00

rather than being in my own self-absorbed world when i walk down the street, i've starting lifting up my eyes and looking around the city, looking into the eyes of others, and taking joy in my surroundings. it freaks people out if they are used to being in a zombie-esque state where everyone just walks from one task to another. i love it.

come all you weary

2009-01-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting at work and had a bit of a discovery and I have to write this quickly before the beauty of the whole thing leaves me. I should probably also be quick because there is more than likely a guy locked in a dark room somewhere working for our company who watches my every move on the internet. I'm preeetty sure writing an entry here doesn't count as a value-added proposition…so I'll be brief.

I realized that God gives me perspective. I also realized what a rare and beautiful gift perspective is. Some of the wisest, most respected people I know are the ones who can simply put the everyday happenings of life into their proper places in the grand scheme.
Over the past week, I've heard what I would normally consider some pretty bad news from a variety of people on a variety of things. Instead of pulling my hair out and elevating my blood pressure to levels that kills men over 40, I've had a strange peace. I say strange because rationally, I feel like these things should stress me or make me angry, but I surprise even myself and stay calm.

My peace largely comes from knowing that the course of my life is ultimately in the Lord's hands. With trials comes perseverance, and when one door closes, another has opened somewhere in its place. I know that sounds a bit cliché, but I'm serious when I say that I'm relieved to have my life out of my control. It gives life depth, putting instances into perspective, knowing that others have endured far worse than I in the past, and that the quality of my future is dependent only on my ability to submit. Not saying that everyday with Jesus is a happy-go-lucky march into candyland, because that's not what He promises. It is, however, a rich journey where my burden is His, and His is mine.

this is war

2009-01-17T14:15:00.000-08:00

This is war like you ain't seen.
This winter's long, it's cold and mean.
With hangdog hearts we stood condemned,
But the tide turns now at Bethlehem.

This is war and born tonight,
The Word as flesh, the Lord of Light,
The Son of God, the low-born king;
Who demons fear, of whom angels sing.

This is war on sin and death;
The dark will take it's final breath.
It shakes the earth, confounds all plans;
The mystery of God as man.

It's the red ornament on the upper left!

more adventurous

2009-01-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

so i've decided to do something very unlike myself and make a belated new years resolution this year. not only have i resolved to make a resolution (which is a resolution in and of itself) but i've resolved to commit to it (wow that's already two!). i pass through most new years without giving second thought to the things i want to personally accomplish the next year. but this new years was special and i decided this: wouldn't it be fun to look back on 2009 and say that i was more adventurous? and that's it...i resolve to be more adventurous.

now i know that you're probably all (not) thinking, "jonathan, wouldn't you count meeting a woman on the internet, falling madly in love with her, and trying to make her your wife in less than a year enough adventure for an entire decade?" To that i would scratch my hairless chin and answer, "hmmm, why yeessss!"

meeting mallory, falling in love with her, and exploring this life with God as our Shepherd certainly does qualify as the greatest adventure i have ever and will ever embark upon. this isn't a love letter though, so i'll refrain from getting too saccharine. i'm talking about the smaller adventures in life though: backpacking trips into the sierras, climbing halfdome, day hikes up diablo, cycling sweet east bay routes like three bears, late night bowling with friends, and anything else i can find to just soak every second of joy and beauty out of life that i can. more than anything though, i want to live unabashedly for Christ this year. cheers to the memories of 2008 and to the journey to come in 2009.

Firebreather

2008-12-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

I went home to colorado over the holiday weekend to spend some precious time with my family and friends, from whom I've been removed far too long. I woke up Sunday morning and was delighted to find a thick blanket of snow spread over the ground like frosting. Two of my favorite things about colorado are the snow and the air. I love walking outside and "hearing" the sound of silence when it snows. The world is muffled by the falling snowflakes and its strangely comforting to see the world moving soundlessly in front of you. After living in california for so long, i had begun to forget what real silence feels like. What completes the whole experience, though, is the air. If you take in a big contented sigh, the purity of the cold air burns your lungs like fire. Even though it sounds a bit unpleasant, anyone who has breathed in that cold, dry air has felt a little rush of rejuvenation and alertness.

On a completely separate note, I sat down to write a little bit this evening and I felt really strongly that my words would be empty if I didn't sit down and read God's Word. I prayed for wisdom and discernment and it seemed good to me that I should start in on the book of James this evening. The first chapter couldn't be more perfect. It touches on temptation and how perseverance through testing leads to a complete, mature, finished person.

It makes so much sense. I'm at my best as a man when my heart isn't my own. When I devote my conversations, my private thoughts, my actions throughout the course of a day, my talents, my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my strengths to the Lord alone, I find myself infinitely more patient, more kind, more courageous, more just, more merciful, and more full of love than I could manage alone.

I'm at my best as a man when I love myself less. I've even noticed this with Mal...I love her so much that it takes my focus off myself and emboldens me to persevere through temptation. How much more so with God! Anyways, I know I've been rambling a bit, but I've been growing up a lot in character as I've learned that I'm not made up to be a selfish creature. I have so much more peace with others and myself when I love outwardly. Oppositely, it seems the more I dote upon myself, the more miserable I become and my best laid plans always get thwarted. I think I'm finally starting to grow up a little bit :)

a busy little bee

2008-11-12T21:06:00.000-08:00

there's something magical about the sea. maybe its the great oceans' vast unknownability, its unsearchable depths, or its unabated power and fury? maybe its the romantic notions that have been attached to it since its inception: distance, homecoming, horizons, and loss. its waters sustain life and take it away. at the end of the day though, i'm humbled by its majesty and i'm reminded of the hand that made it.

it's too easy to keep your head down with your nose to the grindstone that God's glory goes unnoticed. i've been incredibly busy these past few days and i've joked that my BRBC (blood red bull content) levels are stratospheric. the past few work days have fallen in the 13-15 hour range and more than a couple meals have been forgotten and more than 40 winks have been lost. however, i've found incredible peace in a time when i've historically been at my wit's end. although buried under mountains of paper, there has been a steady hand under my chin and i have not been able to shake the unmistakable voice of the Lord that there is something more to these long hours than a two day turnaround to underwrite a $200MM senior unsecured credit facility. what is each day if not an opportunity to glorify the Lord?

my work is not for myself, but for the glory of the Lord. i am so thankful (and blessed) to have a job that fosters my learning and success when wall street has become abysmal and many more "qualified" persons than myself are living on their savings. i am thankful for my health. i am thankful for a bright mind and an able body so that i can work to the best of my ability. i am thankful that i can support myself and still have money to save for my future. and most of all, i am thankful for all the blood, sweat, and tears that the Lord has put into saving me so that i can meet with Him everyday and glorify Him with my work.

i pray that i never lose sight of the blessings that You've given me. may my life's work always be devoted to Your ends and to further Your glory. i love you forever.

my heart fails within me

2008-11-02T20:46:00.000-08:00

i feel incredibly weak. it's that sinking feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that keeps falling and falling to the point of nausea and exhaustion. this past week i've really taken on more than i can handle in nearly every aspect of my life and this feeling is somewhat of an eye-opener for me. i am weak. i am too weak and too insufficient to control all the aspects of my life that i am constantly juggling to feel "balanced". rather than balancing myself out and feeling well managed, i am burdened and exhausted. i've gotten myself in so deep that for every step i've tried to take this week, i've found myself two steps back from where i started. all of this stems from failing to give the One who really matters the time of day...the One who can actually provide balance and perspective...the One who has strength, wisdom, and love enough to cover any amount of my weakness, foolishness, and pettiness such that I can be whole and healthy. the One who i forgot was God.

God, please forgive me...i've busied myself, kept my head down, and run so far that i no longer have my bearings. i'm hopelessly lost and i need Your guidance. i want to honor You with my actions and my words, and i know i haven't. please take me and make me whole. please continue to mold me into a man after Your heart. my life is yours. i love you. amen.

team members

2008-10-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

hello loyal readers,

i don't know why, but when my blog becomes self-aware it bothers me. but i'm going to keep that irking opening line (and these first two sentences) because if you do happen to be reading this, you are most likely mallory, a loyal friend, or a stalker because i never write in here anymore. so congratulations on cultivating the virtue that qualifies you as a "treasure" in my life, according to ecclesiastes.

so i tend to be a bit of a sponge when it comes to traditions and quirks. i rarely make up my own traditions, but i tend to pick up others' as i move through life. one of the more recent quirky little traditions i've started incorporating is the "team member" game. this game is most easily played in a large city where its denizens are so diverse in spectrum that the bizarre occurrences become commonplace. i didn't have to look too far...san francisco definitely qualifies. the game is a bit juvenile, more than a bit judgmental, and entirely reminds me of choosing kickball teams in elementary school. pretty much, anytime you run across an interesting character that you wouldn't necessarily want on your team for anything in life (with the exception of the circus), you inappropriately interrupt the current conversation to interject "your team!" and make some subtle motion towards the intended team member. example time: ancient asian man in little italy today with a "neard" down past his sternum. incredible. honestly...no facial hair, no chin hair...the "neard" probably started a full inch off his chin, nearly above the adam's apple. i was in awe. definitely deferred him to the other team.

here's the thing with this game though...i would guarantee you that 99.9% of team members in this world have an element where they are completely comfortable and accepted. i can also guarantee you that 100% of these people are loved by Jesus. it actually kind of comforts me to know that no matter how strange people get in this world, they are probably loved, liked, or accepted by someone else somewhere and they are most certainly loved by Christ. i should love them too. i should want them on my team because that's exactly what Jesus would do. He ate with the poor, the strange, and the outcasts. He came to save the sinners. my problem is that i'm just terrified of the person with the crazy eyes who's licking his lips at me and peeing on himself. too far? yea. incorrect? wouldn't be me if it wasn't. but seriously, i'm just afraid of people who aren't in my realm of daily experience or who don't quite view the world through my lens. how am i supposed to love these people? i suppose Christ, His love, and His methods far exceed my own fears, my own inabilities, and my own imperfections. i'll find the answer in Him. it'll just take time, as all good things seem to do from time to time (except some great things which blow your mind and expectations with the intensity of their haste and certainty...wink wink cough cough hint hint).

so to tie all these tangents together, i will likely continue to play the team member game into my old age because there is a part of my naive sheltered heart which never left the san ramon valley christian academy third grade kickball PE class. on the other hand, i hope that God helps me overcome my fear of the unknown so that i can be a better man.

that's all. oh, by the way, does anyone have a friend in the diamond business? and don't say the shane company...because their commercials suck and they don't count.

On love

2008-09-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking on love lately, and I'm starting to wonder if many of us have had it all wrong. I realized something important about a year and a half ago, and its only now that I have been tried and refined that I have finally found words for what I discovered back then: human beings really can't make one another very happy for long.

Let me explain: if we are to take love, or the object of our love (let's say a woman), as an end in itself, it is quite easy to fall into an obsessive, but quite natural, zeal for her. I think there is a part of this love that is very instinctive if we look at the bonds that are formed between lovers, friends, and families...but we can't allow love to end here. There is danger in allowing love, or its object, to exist as an end in itself because it goes bad when it is set up on its own. I think the most dangerous part about love is that there is something in it which makes it easy just to stop at the natural level and mistake it for something heavenly and eternal. Essentially it becomes a false god. I think it is somewhat easier to give up our base desires and appetites (like lust) to God because it's easier to recognize our need for salvation and redemption there. I think it's much harder to see when we've taken love as an end in itself and wronged God and others in doing so. There is only one Good in this world, and that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him. Not to say that love is holy or unholy in itself, but it becomes holy when God's hands are on the reins.

I think that God wants to take this instinctive, natural love and turn it into something better. We exist as fathers, mothers, siblings, children, and lovers only because we exist first as God's creation. That relationship is older and closer. God loves us deeply. God has suffered for us. God has waited a long time for us. He wants us to love each other as He understands love. I don't mean to say that I think loving other people is a means to an end, because each person we come across in our lives certainly has their own permanence, importance, and intrinsic value...it's just that we are not meant to stop and spend eternity there. We are meant to press on, journey further, and find God.

So where do we begin? For me, the only remedy to this "cheapened" sense of love was to take it away. It's only when this first sense of "love" lets us down that, in the loneliness and the silence, something else much grander has the chance to grow. I learned then and there to want God for His own sake. I began small...learning to want God besides friends, family, and a wife. God planted a small flame of desire for Him to start this process in me. It was later that I learned to want God more than these things. I learned all along that I had been wrong, and that there was no need to go on pretending as if I were right! My friends, my family, and this "perfect woman" that I had always dreamed of weren't mine...they were never meant to be. They are God's, and they always have been. However, at this point, paradoxically, God HAS given them to me in a sense as blessings, as an inheritance in His Family, in trust. I still am having trouble putting words to this event and this feeling...but it was only when I gave everything up that I truly received it for the first time. Maybe this is what the Bible is talking about when it says that you must "hate" your life before you can gain it. We give up our natural love of others as an end and learn to love God in its stead, only to receive love to give fully in the eternal sense. I've begun to truly live and truly love and I believe entirely that you cannot love another creature fully and rightly until you love God.

When Mallory and I were talking this morning, she touched on something important which got me thinking about writing this: she said that if I died, her life, her heart, and her ability to love others wouldn't be ruined because her love does not end with me...it ends with God. We both love God more than we love each other, and as such, we are learning to love each other fully. It took different events in our lives to pull us outside of ourselves, outside this natural sense of love, to draw us to the Lord so that He could reveal love to us in the eternal sense. But in losing ourselves to Him, I think we can both agree that we have received one thousand-fold what we gave up. To God be the glory, forever.

pistol

2008-09-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

a boyish love song. :-)

I love how you curse when I wake you up
And sweetly demand that I fill your cup.
I follow your cool gun powder glare
Honey, you lay me bare.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my bets,
Oh, I put all my money on you.

When I'm in the dark, girl, you bring me to light.
It seems like you're almost always right.
So keep boxing my ears when I sew them shut.
Baby, you sure are tough.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my fears,
Honey, I feel so safe around you.

If the tiller man taught me anything,
It's that a hard-headed woman is what I need
To help me to always do my best.
Baby, my life is blessed.

You're the girl of my dreams
Darling, please wear this ring
You're an angel through and through.
Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you.

Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you

A couple of things

2008-08-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

It's a "work night" so this is going to be a short one. It's funny how life comes full circle: my mom used to make me go to bed early on school nights and here I am eight years later forcing myself to get plenty of rest for my "big day" at work tomorrow. It actually will probably be a pretty big day considering all the stuff we have sitting in the pipeline right now coupled with how new I am to this line of work. To escalate my work day to epic levels, I plan on drinking a combination of at least three coffees/diet cokes before 10AM...failing that, I'll just stare at the Mondrian print I just hung up in my office until I feel inspired to underwrite the perfectly structured credit. I suppose this is as good a segway as any because I want to talk about art tonight...particularly music.

Without music we are left with speech. Now don't get me wrong, anyone who knows me in the least knows that I love conversation. However, I think sometimes I get carried away. I find myself talking too much and speaking too quickly often times. I don't think those things are necessarily bad in themselves, but from a spiritual standpoint, I find my affinity for talking to be a bit of a roadblock. I think this is where music plays its mysterious role in my life: it humbles me. Something about music just awakens my heart to God's sheer otherness. I'm left in his grandeur and I often feel a smallness that it's hard for me to find elsewhere. Something about music allows me to give over the reigns to my life to the Lord and be led. Music releases me from my mind and opens up the passions my heart. I think there is good spiritual practice here, on letting go.

Right now I'm learning to come to the Lord with blessings in my life, not just with sorrow. I've been incredibly blessed. I could write volumes on all the different aspects of my life and on those who surround me which and who I am thankful for. I struggle understanding God's graciousness here, and I find myself holding onto the blessings in my life too tightly, somewhat scared that with one misstep they may all slip away. And they may. But that is not for me to decide. My life is somewhat of a mosaic, and as God continues to reveal Himself and His plans for my life, I'm starting to realize that I need to give what I have to Him...in times of suffering AND in times of blessed hope and joy.

On one last tangential note, here is a video that I am obsessed with. Endeavor media group, the guys who shot this, are incredible. August burns red, the guys playing, are incredible. Together, they have combined forces and blown my mind twice. For those who don't know me very well, I love metal. Enjoy.

Some thoughts on friendship + a shout out

2008-08-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

Well, to begin, this post is shamelessly, blatantly, and a bit embarrassingly, dedicated to my unlikely new friend mallory. Also, i'm going to try to write it in one take :)

Ok, now that that's taken care of...so i've been doing a lot of thinking about friendship recently, and because i often misuse this blog as an opportunity to wear a portion of my heart on my sleeve, the topic of friendship will be tonight's incoherent stream of consciousness.

I feel like I've been raised in a culture that denies all the best parts of friendship and teaches us how to make acquaintances instead of best friends. At least in my experience, our popular culture's emphasis on independence has taught us never to tell the truths of our inner beings to anyone lest we get hurt or disappointed. Mature friendships are rare. However, I think that side-by-side friendships are something we've become really good at. We watch sports side-by-side, we work side-by-side, we play video games side-by-side, we eat and drink side-by-side, but God forbid that we should have to face each other and engage in deep conversation that is rooted in love for one another. I think we've also become really good at "trophy friendship", and quantity has taken the value of quality. It's become really easy to have a lot of acquaintances with no real friends. Friends aren't meant to be found and collected though, and I would argue that it is impossible to actually "find" a friend. I think the best we can do is to love and befriend one another, only to find that companionship is mysteriously born.

Coming from the perspective of a young Christian man, I see friendship in essentially three ways. First, is the kind of friendship that God calls us to when He tells us to love all of humanity, even our enemies. The second kind is one I share with my brothers and sisters in Christ because we have kindred minds and hearts in our love for the Lord. The last is much more rare, mainly because it is costly. I almost don't even have words for this kind of friend because calling them a "best friend" just sounds trite and all i can think of is "bff4l!!!!!". I'll just do my best to describe this kind of friend and you can draw your own conclusions.

The first thing I find in this kind of friend is a sense of safety. I think of Jonathan and David in the Bible. I also think of the verse in ecclesiastes that says "two are better than one, because they have good reward for their toil. for if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to the one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help...and though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. a threefold cord is not easily broken". we're meant to travel in good company. we're not made to be chronically lonely. these are the kind of friends you call at 2:00 in the morning because there is safety and trust.

These kind of friends are attentive. They actually care about what you have to say and they are compassionate and empathetic in their response. On the other side of the fine line, they hold you accountable and tell you the truth, getting to the heart of things, even when that is the hard thing to hear. Friends like these are loyal, but not in the sense that they gain something from their loyalty. These kind of friends are forgiving of the past and selflessly love you into the future. There's this verse in john which i absolutely love that says "no one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends"

Three more things (then I'm done, i promise). These kind of friendships require distance. I know that seems paradoxical because the whole point of having a best friend is that they are close to you. However, friendship is not enmeshment. The best kind of friends respect the uniqueness and inviolability of the other. They don't burden themselves with trying to make the other like themselves, but rather, they leave a little space for the other to be. I think if this line is crossed, we get into really treacherous waters...dependency. We start giving the love we should have for the Lord to another person, and they inevitably disappoint us. A friend/significant other/spouse can never be a foundation. They are blessings.

lastly, i think one of the best ingredients for a friendship is learning how to "waste" time together. of course it's not really a waste, and i'm stating the obvious here, but really great friendships are so rare because they cost A LOT of time and energy. we make time for what we value, and i think the value of time that is "wasted" well with friends is priceless (enter visa commercial).

a friend patiently listens. they hold our secrets in trust. they carry us when it's necessary. they inspire us to be and to do better. who could ask for more than that?

mal, even though our friendship is just beginning, you've taught me some really cool stuff about friendship and definitely broken the status quo for how it works. specifically, thanks for teaching me the value of honesty. just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate you in this very awkward, tangential post.

Welcoming Change

2008-07-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

I was reading something that a new friend of mine wrote about change and it struck me that I'm really not very well prepared for it to happen in my own life. More than anything, I long to be a man after God's own heart. But that desire is so often waylaid by my own inabilities to be righteous by myself. I'm a conflicted host. It's almost as if I shun God's revolutionary works in my life even as I call out to Him.

My problem essentially lies in the fact that when God really becomes the Lord of your life, He not only raises up, but He also denies and rebukes. I think sometimes I want the raising up part of spiritual growth without any of the admonition. I think what it all comes down to is that I haven't really made a suitable welcome for my God. I really need to develop humility and patience. Humility because despite all my best efforts, it is the Holy Spirit's powerful work that incrementally transforms my life, not my own work or ingenuity. Patience because this transformation requires time, error, and failure, and is far from immediate. I've believed since I was about five years old, and I still feel like Christ's work has only just begun in me.

I once read something that said "we were created in love in order to love, so that we may finally be embraced forever by a greater Love that will never let us go". That sounds about as good as it gets to me. I know I still have a long way to go to become the man that God created me to be. I think a good place to start would be to make a humble welcome for Him.

The Sound of Silence

2008-07-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name's Jonathan Clark, and I'm addicted to white noise.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about busyness over the past year, and all that thinking finally culminated in the realization today that I haven't allowed for silence in my life. On a material level, I love napping with a fan on, my itunes runs enough hours of the day that it feels like it just came out of the oven, and I find myself getting lost in the general meaningless of slogan'ed and cliche'd conversations. On a more serious level, I'm finding it really hard to hear God's voice and understand His will. And if I'm going to be really honest, it's hard for me to even really know and understand my friends.

Sure, I've tried to be more cognisant of setting aside time for reflection and prayer, but I get easily distracted when I try to reflect on my week and I get a bit demanding (to a fault) when I pray. It was a verse in 1 Kings that really hit me hard today when I read it, and made me realize how much I need to shut up and attend to the Lord...here it is (actually, to give some background first, Elijah is running away from Jezebel (enemy) and is pretty depressed and feels completely forsaken. He retreats to Mt. Horeb where he hears a voice telling him to go stand on the mountain. Then this happens...)

Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence (1 kings 19:11-12)

I looked at a couple of different translations on the last part, and though it varies, the idea is all the same: Elijah met God in the silence. The Great Communicator (God in this case, not Ronald Reagan) once again confronts me with an enormous paradox. As believers, we're called to find God, find ourselves, and find others in silence. Silence as a positive form of communication is everywhere in scripture and in nature!

First, more scripture...check this out...

1) Be still and know that I am God (psalm 46:10)
2)Be silent before the Lord God! (zephaniah 1:7)
3) But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth keep silence before him! (habakkuk 2:20)
4) Never be rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be quick to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven, and you upon earth; therefore let your words be few. (ecclesiastes 5:2)

The advice and admonitions in scripture are certainly there, but I've seen it even in nature. It is felt in the quiet communion between two lovers when words are just completely superfluous. I mean, isn't that the kind of communication you would like to have with your future spouse? If God has a woman out there for me, I certainly would! Another example would be felt in the whispers of a mother comforting her child. I don't think it's so much the words that are said as it is the silent presence of the loving mother being made known to her child.

I think silence has gotten a bad rap because so often it is associated with loneliness, emptiness, relational failure, abandonment, and crushed hopes. I can't count the number of times that I've waited patiently for an expression of love, someone's blessing, or an apology and just been completely disappointed and disillusioned by their silence. It isn't the only possibility though. I'm presented with a new paradoxical sense of silence in that it fosters communication and strong relationships. It's an easy prescription that is difficult in practice.

I know it's worth the effort. Think of all the great spiritual leaders (Moses, Elijah, John the Baptist, Paul, and Jesus) who spent time in the desert and wilderness. It's not a flight from the world, but an attendance to the Lord in such a way that we come to know Him and ourselves. So yea, with all that being said, I'm really going to work on taking some time to be a little more silent. I think it will even have a really good impact on my friendships. I know I've been doing a lot of listening without really hearing, and I've done a lot of acting without really thinking, and it's about time that changed. Well, thanks for reading this...I know it was a bit long. Oh, also, if anyone has any practical ideas on how to make this work, I would love to hear 'em! My name is Jonathan Clark, and I've been silent for 45 minutes. :)

From a Hotel Room in San Francisco

2008-07-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

I am living in a hotel room for two weeks and working long days.

I am, at the same time, the most excited and the most terrified I've ever been in my entire life.

I am at Frost's diverging roads. I know I'll be better off if I relinquish control. Also, the "yellow wood" is quite urban, much to my dismay. Life changing transitional events are never as romanticized as you'd like them to be.

I promise not to grow up too fast.

I promise to do the best work I possibly can.

I promise pictures and worthwhile stories from these next two weeks.

See ya on the other side.

Ink

2008-06-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well, to be quite honest I don't know how I talked myself into this one. Getting a tattoo has become somewhat of an obsession of mine over the past six months, and I really can't figure out what triggered the idea. I guess I could blame a fairly safe and conservative life of 20-some-odd years of living to drive me to something a little more edgy but I really think it is more than that.

First, to clear this up, I never thought I would be able to settle on idea of something that I would want to put on my self permanently. I seem to have inherited a certain level of perfectionism from my mother and on big issues like this I knew indecision would likely become the ultimate detractor. I've wanted something that is personally energizing and convicting, a good conversation starter for others, and lastly, doesn't make me look like a total douche. Every original idea I could come up with I knew I would hate 20 years down the road, and I really couldn't find much that others had done that really fit me.

That was until I saw Mr. Kensrue's new ink...the heart locket is paradoxically ageless and rustic. The key bearing the greek initials for Jesus Christ, "ICXC" is also paradoxically subtle and powerful. I honestly have never found anything I liked so much. I think part of the allure for me is that I think it's such a cool way to remind myself of my accountability before God every morning. Surely there are better, less extreme, ways to do this, but I mean come on...

For what it's worth, even my mother liked it, and that's saying quite a bit. If I were to get any work done, I would likely get a piece on my shoulder coming down slightly onto the bicep...easy to cover up in the office yet visible for recreational time. I've made a couple variations to Dustin's piece but I really just don't think I have the creative capacity for something much better. Either way, I'm pumped. I'm such a little kid about this stuff!

Backburner

2008-06-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

I recently picked up a series of little books published by the guys who do Relevant magazine called the "foundations of faith" series. I was first drawn in from their homepage by a small banner boasting a $4 book sale, only to be convinced into making a purchase by the catchy cover art and long list of reputable authors in the series: Augustine, Thomas a Kempis, John Wesley, Charles Spurgeon, G.K. Chesterton, and Blaise Pascal.

I'm a couple chapters into Augustine's handbook and he has already brought up some interesting points on the interdependency of faith, hope, and love shown in the Lord's prayer, the goodness of creation, and the problems of evil and lying. Chapter V ended poignantly, and the following jarred me a bit:

"For the liar thinks he does not deceive himself and that he deceives only those who believe him. Indeed, he does not err in his lying, if he himself knows what the truth is. But he is deceived in this, that he supposes that his lie does no harm to himself, when actually every sin harms the one who commits it more that it does the one who suffers it. "

I've been thinking about that last line for a little bit, and I'm not sure that I entirely agree. I think I'd be hard-pressed to argue that sin doesn't harm the one who commits it, for it certainly does. Whether it is a loss of one's humanity, a hardening of one's heart against love, or a disconnect from God, one's sins certainly have an impact on one's relationships, moral compass, self-worth, and soul.

However, I think that the impact can be just as profound on those whom the trespass is leveled against. The first damages that come to my mind are physical. My thoughts are immediately drawn to those in need of aid who suffer under the greed, bigotry, and hate of others. I think there are spiritual ramifications for those who have been sinned against as well. A dear friend of mine has trouble believing in God's righteousness and justice because of the problems of pain and evil that are so pervasive. Another friend of mine was raped and was hardened against the concept of love, including God's. It's been really obvious to me in my own experience that the sins of others can devastate others physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I think one of the reason's that Paul so often commands the early churches to live out their faith in righteous works is because of the profound impact that their actions and their words have on others, especially under the scrutiny of all as they label themselves Christian.

It's been a bit of a step for me but I'm finally starting to take responsibility for my own words, actions, and thoughts again. It's a bit belated, I know. Not only are they a reflection on my honor before God and man, but they are a reflection of the Church and the body of believers I so readily call my brothers and sisters. Further more, there IS an impact following my words and actions that I have, until recently, passed off as inconsequential. My convictions can no longer rest dormantly on the backburner, and now, being in front of me, it's my charge to live a redeemed life.

Midway in the journey of our life

2008-06-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,
ché la diritta via era smarrita.

Midway in the journey of our life
I came to myself in a dark wood,
for the straight way was lost. (Inf. I, 1-3)

I awoke a couple of weeks ago to find myself suffocating in the gnarled, overbearing weight of a hauntingly familiar wood. Growing up as a child and through my adolescence, I heard stories of this wood from those who had emerged, and desperate prayers were sent up for those unfortunate others who had not yet found their way. It has been nearly ten days...

Whether by happy mistake or by providence, I had set myself to cleaning out an old bookcase when I found a well-worn copy of Dante Alighieri's The Inferno. I had read the Commedia years ago for a course in the study of "great books", works heralded by thousands of scholars and millions of less-erudite readers as the greatest literary works of their respective times and our own. The motivating idea behind the Commedia is almost outrageous in its simplicity: haunted by ignorance, fear, and cowardice, moral compass askew, Dante begins on earth in fear and trembling to end, one hundred Cantos later, with a joyous and rapturous vision of the Trinitarian God.

The opening lines of his first Canto invite us to join him:

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita...
Midway in the journey of our life...

This is a story for the appetitive human soul, the "everyman". Me.

Too long have I been full of sleep. Like Dante, I do not even know how I have come to this place or when I forsook the one true way. When I awoke, sleep called me gently to once more lose my intellect and my will to its lull. Never again. Though strains of sleep dull my senses, I hear God's beckoning call above all else. As St. Augustine put down in his Confessions, "You have made us toward You, and our heart is restless until it finds rest in You". My restlessness has come to bear upon me in full strength, forced into a desperate deluge by nearly a year of suppression under sleep and sin.

I now turn to the Commedia with new eyes. No longer are Beatrice, Virgil, Dante, Francesca and others to be mere literary tools, allegories for faith, human reason, the soul, and lust. There is something to the Commedia beyond this, an invitation to look and see for ourselves. Yes, one can find the historical/literal, the allegorical, the moral, and ultimately seek to find the anagogical in the Commedia, but this time around, I desire the experience, Dante's experience on the full scales of human emotion and reason.

Everyone reads their own Commedia. Let's dialogue.

Russian Circles - "Station"

2008-06-01T18:13:00.000-07:00

Euphoric. Frenetic. Serene. Profound.

Allowing its instruments to speak in lieu of vocals, this Chicago trio brings its listeners along for a forty minute odyssey through a gamut of human emotions. It's strange that an album with which I have no prior familiarity so poignantly evoked long hidden memories and forgotten moments. This is what I always wanted The Album Leaf to be.

I would highly suggest attempting to digest the album all in one sitting, but for those who want to pick and choose tracks, Harper Lewis and Youngblood both shine.

Pitchfork Review: Such economy of motion yields stark beauty. Sullivan favors hypnotic, clean-toned ostinatos reminiscent of Pink Floyd. In "Youngblood", they're ominous; in "Campaign", they're winsome. Even when distorted, these repeating figures are still tender. "Harper Lewis" unfurls melodic spirals that recall prog-surfers the Mermen. The organ-lit "Xavii" is practically Mazzy Star. "Verses" takes the chord progression of "With or Without You", kicks out Bono, and erects a gleaming church. Amid peers fond of obfuscation, such nakedness is startling.

For the curious, impatient and insatiable, below is a video of Harper Lewis live:

my hiatus has ended

2007-09-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

After months of hurried activity, I've finally returned to the double-edgedness of blogging. A got a nice wake-up call a couple of nights ago and I realized that I need to slow down a little bit and take some time to reflect. I suppose part of that process is journaling, but seeing as how my handwriting skills are the equivalent of a third grader's, and I have zero patience, blogging has proven to be much more convenient. Plus, I now have something to do instead of policy hw. I re-read my last post trying to remember what I last wrote about: I generally blackout for a few minutes while I write these things and what comes out is more of a stream of consciousness than ordered thought. I think it's funny how I'm now taking my own advice about motion and meaning a few months down the road. Wonderful how that works.

Where to begin...I guess that the last couple weeks have been an exercise in trying to tell people what they already know. It's surprisingly difficult. It's also surprisingly rewarding. There are three people (off the top of my head) who have struggled through this process with me in the preceding weeks, and they are nothing short of wonderful.

This next semester (and year) are going to be full of some pretty fantastic stories. It's senior year! Stay tuned.

Motion vs. Meaning

2007-05-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Because of a lack of creativity, I've deferred once again to a title that looks more fitting for Street Fighter II Turbo than for a blog entry. And once again I've deferred to inspiration by other authors/artists seeing as I can't muster enough independent thought to say something truly original (if such a thing even exists anymore...originality that is). As Google Scholar reminds me intermittently, we stand on the shoulders of giants. Tonight, Brittany Breidenbach and Dustin Kensrue are the shoulders of choice. Ms. Breidenbach wrote a nice little article on relevant.com called "Learning to Run in the Dark", mainly concerning the disillusionment and anxiety surrounding post-grad life. This is an excerpt from the end of her article:

"There is a point when staying in one place causes people to stagnate. Even though it would feel comfortable if I kept working for my college newspaper or stayed in school until something better came along, I would never learn to take a risk. Even worse, I would never learn to put my trust in God.

Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states that change is necessary “where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” Walking blindly into an unknown phase of life is scary and dangerous. It requires perseverance in doubt and trust in the darkness.

I now see my unknown future as a time of opportunity, not regret."

I think there is a lot of truth in correlating a lack of movement, or inactivity, with stagnation. Paul's plea to the Philippians to "press on" does intrinsically suggest the necessity of motion and activity in a full, healthy life. However, I think some words by Dustin Kensrue also suggest a different, and more incomplete side to motion.

"What a beautiful way to fake it,
This sort of graceful defeat,
We found a pattern out on the pavement,
Sound the siren out through the streets,
Advance in perfect nonchalance,
Do it together with a rifle report,
Don’t marvel at our confidence,
It’s troubled, bottled, and above all...deformed,

Tell me that you wanna stop the war,
But baby you can't dance if there's no floor,
Motion isn't meaning,
It’s just another drug,
But it's all we've got...

What a way to keep it together,
A black box, a prescription for speed,
We found a freeway that goes on forever,
Drown the demon in the deep black sea..."

The song continues on, but the ideas I want to focus on are fairly represented in the first half. There is a sense in which motion is imperfect and really is a "beautiful way to fake it". Motion is a great way to purport confidence and fake happiness. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in novelty and constantly look for the next new thing to get my by and keep me happy. Motion is a fantastic little drug in the sense that it keeps us from ever having to face ourselves and God and really figure out who we are and where we are now, who we're actually supposed to be, and where we're actually supposed to be. Despite the risks and the unknown, the black box with the Mario Bros.-esque question mark in the future can really be quite comforting. If we just keep moving down that road, we can completely avoid finding purpose in our lives and establishing confidence and esteem.

I do think motion is a great prescription at times, but it is absolutely essential that the mover has a foundation. In Dustin's words, I think you need a floor if you're gonna go dance. My parents have encouraged me (for the duration of my entire cognisant life) to be complete in myself and in the Lord, FIRST AND ABOVE ALL THINGS. If I am not completely sufficient and fulfilled in my relationship with the Lord alone, then I will never be fulfilled or gratified by my relationships with a girlfriend, a wife, my friends, my co-workers, my family, or really anyone for that matter. And in my short experience, this couldn't be more true. A change of pace will only ever be a quick fix unless it is accompanied by a deeply rooted sense of confidence and worth found in knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. At this point, motion is no longer a means to temporary happiness, but becomes integral to a healthy, active, and ultimately more faithful life. I think that the greatest indicator of this are the fruits of the spirit: love for the Lord and for your fellow man; a deeply rooted joy that literally overflows and impacts others; peace with the past, present, and the future; patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. This is the kind of stuff I want to be exhibiting on a daily basis. I think it's also the key to successful relationships, if I can narrow it down to just one thing. I've been mulling this stuff over for quite some time now and this is really just grazing the tip of an enormous issue. So, let's dialogue anytime.

Active Love and Love in Dreams

2007-04-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

"'I love mankind,' he said, 'but I am amazed at myself: the more I love mankind in general, the less I love people in particular, that is, individually, as separate persons. In my dreams,' he said, 'I often went so far as to think passionately of serving mankind, and, it may be, would really have gone to the cross for people if it were somehow suddenly necessary, and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone even for two days, this I know from experience. As soon as someone is there, close to me, his personality oppresses my self-esteem and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I can begin to hate even the best of men: one because he takes too long eating his dinner, another because he has a cold and keeps blowing his nose. I become the enemy of people the moment they touch me,' he said. 'On the other hand, it has always happened that the more I hate people individually, the more ardent becomes my love for humanity as a whole.'" (1.2.4)

This passage needs no preface, and it is an injustice for me to even attempt to expand on Dostoevsky's portrait of active love vs. love in dreams. However, I seem to have a knack for literary impiety, so why not. At this point in the Brothers, Father Zosima, an elder in the Church is meeting with a woman of little faith. The woman has come to him seeking conviction, if not proof, of the afterlife. To this, Zosima answers that, "one cannot prove anything here, but it is possible to be convinced." (1.2.4) And by what means?

"By the experience of active love. Try to love your neighbors actively and tirelessly. The more you succeed in loving, the more you'll be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of the soul. And if you reach complete selflessness in the love of your neighbor, then undoubtedly you will believe, and no doubt will even be able to enter your soul. This has been tested. It is certain." (1.2.4)

And this is the catalyst for the little passage that began this entry. The first passage is painted with sorrowful humor. I dream vigilantly of using my education to help other people. I want to use my financial acumen to strengthen growing companies, like TOMS shoes, who are actively helping people around the world, and are acting out what I generally consider to be Christ's love and vision. However, despite my longing to do something "meaningful" with my life, how ironic is it that often times I can't even love the people that are close to me? As soon as I get close to people, I really do begin to "hate" them and tear them apart on the basis of their habits, their mannerisms, and every objectionable fault. I've recently begun an experimental phase of befriending new people, and fueling this is gnawing discontent. However, the honeymoon stage is short. Novelty is lost on me, and eventually, I'm faced with the stern reality that at some point in my life, I'm actually going to start loving the people I have relationships with. And with that, I once again defer to Dostoevsky's Zosima:

"...active love is a harsh and fearful things compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams thirsts for immediate action, quickly performed, and with everyone watching. Indeed, it will go so far as the giving even of one's life, provided it does not take long but is soon over, as on stage, and everyone is looking on and praising. Whereas active love is labor and perseverance, and for some people, perhaps a whole science. But I predict that even in that very moment when you see with horror that despite all your efforts, you not only have not come nearer your goal but seem to have gotten farther from it, at that very moment - I predict this to you - you will suddenly reach your goal and will clearly behold over you the wonder-working power of the Lord, who all the while has been loving you, and all the while has been mysteriously guiding you." (1.2.4)

To be continued...