After months of hurried activity, I've finally returned to the double-edgedness of blogging. A got a nice wake-up call a couple of nights ago and I realized that I need to slow down a little bit and take some time to reflect. I suppose part of that process is journaling, but seeing as how my handwriting skills are the equivalent of a third grader's, and I have zero patience, blogging has proven to be much more convenient. Plus, I now have something to do instead of policy hw. I re-read my last post trying to remember what I last wrote about: I generally blackout for a few minutes while I write these things and what comes out is more of a stream of consciousness than ordered thought. I think it's funny how I'm now taking my own advice about motion and meaning a few months down the road. Wonderful how that works.
Where to begin...I guess that the last couple weeks have been an exercise in trying to tell people what they already know. It's surprisingly difficult. It's also surprisingly rewarding. There are three people (off the top of my head) who have struggled through this process with me in the preceding weeks, and they are nothing short of wonderful.
This next semester (and year) are going to be full of some pretty fantastic stories. It's senior year! Stay tuned.
After months of hurried activity, I've finally returned to the double-edgedness of blogging. A got a nice wake-up call a couple of nights ago and I realized that I need to slow down a little bit and take some time to reflect. I suppose part of that process is journaling, but seeing as how my handwriting skills are the equivalent of a third grader's, and I have zero patience, blogging has proven to be much more convenient. Plus, I now have something to do instead of policy hw. I re-read my last post trying to remember what I last wrote about: I generally blackout for a few minutes while I write these things and what comes out is more of a stream of consciousness than ordered thought. I think it's funny how I'm now taking my own advice about motion and meaning a few months down the road. Wonderful how that works.
Where to begin...I guess that the last couple weeks have been an exercise in trying to tell people what they already know. It's surprisingly difficult. It's also surprisingly rewarding. There are three people (off the top of my head) who have struggled through this process with me in the preceding weeks, and they are nothing short of wonderful.
This next semester (and year) are going to be full of some pretty fantastic stories. It's senior year! Stay tuned.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Motion vs. Meaning
Because of a lack of creativity, I've deferred once again to a title that looks more fitting for Street Fighter II Turbo than for a blog entry. And once again I've deferred to inspiration by other authors/artists seeing as I can't muster enough independent thought to say something truly original (if such a thing even exists anymore...originality that is). As Google Scholar reminds me intermittently, we stand on the shoulders of giants. Tonight, Brittany Breidenbach and Dustin Kensrue are the shoulders of choice. Ms. Breidenbach wrote a nice little article on relevant.com called "Learning to Run in the Dark", mainly concerning the disillusionment and anxiety surrounding post-grad life. This is an excerpt from the end of her article:
"There is a point when staying in one place causes people to stagnate. Even though it would feel comfortable if I kept working for my college newspaper or stayed in school until something better came along, I would never learn to take a risk. Even worse, I would never learn to put my trust in God.
Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states that change is necessary “where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” Walking blindly into an unknown phase of life is scary and dangerous. It requires perseverance in doubt and trust in the darkness.
I now see my unknown future as a time of opportunity, not regret."
I think there is a lot of truth in correlating a lack of movement, or inactivity, with stagnation. Paul's plea to the Philippians to "press on" does intrinsically suggest the necessity of motion and activity in a full, healthy life. However, I think some words by Dustin Kensrue also suggest a different, and more incomplete side to motion.
"What a beautiful way to fake it,
This sort of graceful defeat,
We found a pattern out on the pavement,
Sound the siren out through the streets,
Advance in perfect nonchalance,
Do it together with a rifle report,
Don’t marvel at our confidence,
It’s troubled, bottled, and above all...deformed,
Tell me that you wanna stop the war,
But baby you can't dance if there's no floor,
Motion isn't meaning,
It’s just another drug,
But it's all we've got...
What a way to keep it together,
A black box, a prescription for speed,
We found a freeway that goes on forever,
Drown the demon in the deep black sea..."
The song continues on, but the ideas I want to focus on are fairly represented in the first half. There is a sense in which motion is imperfect and really is a "beautiful way to fake it". Motion is a great way to purport confidence and fake happiness. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in novelty and constantly look for the next new thing to get my by and keep me happy. Motion is a fantastic little drug in the sense that it keeps us from ever having to face ourselves and God and really figure out who we are and where we are now, who we're actually supposed to be, and where we're actually supposed to be. Despite the risks and the unknown, the black box with the Mario Bros.-esque question mark in the future can really be quite comforting. If we just keep moving down that road, we can completely avoid finding purpose in our lives and establishing confidence and esteem.
I do think motion is a great prescription at times, but it is absolutely essential that the mover has a foundation. In Dustin's words, I think you need a floor if you're gonna go dance. My parents have encouraged me (for the duration of my entire cognisant life) to be complete in myself and in the Lord, FIRST AND ABOVE ALL THINGS. If I am not completely sufficient and fulfilled in my relationship with the Lord alone, then I will never be fulfilled or gratified by my relationships with a girlfriend, a wife, my friends, my co-workers, my family, or really anyone for that matter. And in my short experience, this couldn't be more true. A change of pace will only ever be a quick fix unless it is accompanied by a deeply rooted sense of confidence and worth found in knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. At this point, motion is no longer a means to temporary happiness, but becomes integral to a healthy, active, and ultimately more faithful life. I think that the greatest indicator of this are the fruits of the spirit: love for the Lord and for your fellow man; a deeply rooted joy that literally overflows and impacts others; peace with the past, present, and the future; patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. This is the kind of stuff I want to be exhibiting on a daily basis. I think it's also the key to successful relationships, if I can narrow it down to just one thing. I've been mulling this stuff over for quite some time now and this is really just grazing the tip of an enormous issue. So, let's dialogue anytime.
Because of a lack of creativity, I've deferred once again to a title that looks more fitting for Street Fighter II Turbo than for a blog entry. And once again I've deferred to inspiration by other authors/artists seeing as I can't muster enough independent thought to say something truly original (if such a thing even exists anymore...originality that is). As Google Scholar reminds me intermittently, we stand on the shoulders of giants. Tonight, Brittany Breidenbach and Dustin Kensrue are the shoulders of choice. Ms. Breidenbach wrote a nice little article on relevant.com called "Learning to Run in the Dark", mainly concerning the disillusionment and anxiety surrounding post-grad life. This is an excerpt from the end of her article:
"There is a point when staying in one place causes people to stagnate. Even though it would feel comfortable if I kept working for my college newspaper or stayed in school until something better came along, I would never learn to take a risk. Even worse, I would never learn to put my trust in God.
Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states that change is necessary “where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” Walking blindly into an unknown phase of life is scary and dangerous. It requires perseverance in doubt and trust in the darkness.
I now see my unknown future as a time of opportunity, not regret."
I think there is a lot of truth in correlating a lack of movement, or inactivity, with stagnation. Paul's plea to the Philippians to "press on" does intrinsically suggest the necessity of motion and activity in a full, healthy life. However, I think some words by Dustin Kensrue also suggest a different, and more incomplete side to motion.
"What a beautiful way to fake it,
This sort of graceful defeat,
We found a pattern out on the pavement,
Sound the siren out through the streets,
Advance in perfect nonchalance,
Do it together with a rifle report,
Don’t marvel at our confidence,
It’s troubled, bottled, and above all...deformed,
Tell me that you wanna stop the war,
But baby you can't dance if there's no floor,
Motion isn't meaning,
It’s just another drug,
But it's all we've got...
What a way to keep it together,
A black box, a prescription for speed,
We found a freeway that goes on forever,
Drown the demon in the deep black sea..."
The song continues on, but the ideas I want to focus on are fairly represented in the first half. There is a sense in which motion is imperfect and really is a "beautiful way to fake it". Motion is a great way to purport confidence and fake happiness. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in novelty and constantly look for the next new thing to get my by and keep me happy. Motion is a fantastic little drug in the sense that it keeps us from ever having to face ourselves and God and really figure out who we are and where we are now, who we're actually supposed to be, and where we're actually supposed to be. Despite the risks and the unknown, the black box with the Mario Bros.-esque question mark in the future can really be quite comforting. If we just keep moving down that road, we can completely avoid finding purpose in our lives and establishing confidence and esteem.
I do think motion is a great prescription at times, but it is absolutely essential that the mover has a foundation. In Dustin's words, I think you need a floor if you're gonna go dance. My parents have encouraged me (for the duration of my entire cognisant life) to be complete in myself and in the Lord, FIRST AND ABOVE ALL THINGS. If I am not completely sufficient and fulfilled in my relationship with the Lord alone, then I will never be fulfilled or gratified by my relationships with a girlfriend, a wife, my friends, my co-workers, my family, or really anyone for that matter. And in my short experience, this couldn't be more true. A change of pace will only ever be a quick fix unless it is accompanied by a deeply rooted sense of confidence and worth found in knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. At this point, motion is no longer a means to temporary happiness, but becomes integral to a healthy, active, and ultimately more faithful life. I think that the greatest indicator of this are the fruits of the spirit: love for the Lord and for your fellow man; a deeply rooted joy that literally overflows and impacts others; peace with the past, present, and the future; patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. This is the kind of stuff I want to be exhibiting on a daily basis. I think it's also the key to successful relationships, if I can narrow it down to just one thing. I've been mulling this stuff over for quite some time now and this is really just grazing the tip of an enormous issue. So, let's dialogue anytime.
"There is a point when staying in one place causes people to stagnate. Even though it would feel comfortable if I kept working for my college newspaper or stayed in school until something better came along, I would never learn to take a risk. Even worse, I would never learn to put my trust in God.
Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states that change is necessary “where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” Walking blindly into an unknown phase of life is scary and dangerous. It requires perseverance in doubt and trust in the darkness.
I now see my unknown future as a time of opportunity, not regret."
I think there is a lot of truth in correlating a lack of movement, or inactivity, with stagnation. Paul's plea to the Philippians to "press on" does intrinsically suggest the necessity of motion and activity in a full, healthy life. However, I think some words by Dustin Kensrue also suggest a different, and more incomplete side to motion.
"What a beautiful way to fake it,
This sort of graceful defeat,
We found a pattern out on the pavement,
Sound the siren out through the streets,
Advance in perfect nonchalance,
Do it together with a rifle report,
Don’t marvel at our confidence,
It’s troubled, bottled, and above all...deformed,
Tell me that you wanna stop the war,
But baby you can't dance if there's no floor,
Motion isn't meaning,
It’s just another drug,
But it's all we've got...
What a way to keep it together,
A black box, a prescription for speed,
We found a freeway that goes on forever,
Drown the demon in the deep black sea..."
The song continues on, but the ideas I want to focus on are fairly represented in the first half. There is a sense in which motion is imperfect and really is a "beautiful way to fake it". Motion is a great way to purport confidence and fake happiness. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in novelty and constantly look for the next new thing to get my by and keep me happy. Motion is a fantastic little drug in the sense that it keeps us from ever having to face ourselves and God and really figure out who we are and where we are now, who we're actually supposed to be, and where we're actually supposed to be. Despite the risks and the unknown, the black box with the Mario Bros.-esque question mark in the future can really be quite comforting. If we just keep moving down that road, we can completely avoid finding purpose in our lives and establishing confidence and esteem.
I do think motion is a great prescription at times, but it is absolutely essential that the mover has a foundation. In Dustin's words, I think you need a floor if you're gonna go dance. My parents have encouraged me (for the duration of my entire cognisant life) to be complete in myself and in the Lord, FIRST AND ABOVE ALL THINGS. If I am not completely sufficient and fulfilled in my relationship with the Lord alone, then I will never be fulfilled or gratified by my relationships with a girlfriend, a wife, my friends, my co-workers, my family, or really anyone for that matter. And in my short experience, this couldn't be more true. A change of pace will only ever be a quick fix unless it is accompanied by a deeply rooted sense of confidence and worth found in knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. At this point, motion is no longer a means to temporary happiness, but becomes integral to a healthy, active, and ultimately more faithful life. I think that the greatest indicator of this are the fruits of the spirit: love for the Lord and for your fellow man; a deeply rooted joy that literally overflows and impacts others; peace with the past, present, and the future; patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. This is the kind of stuff I want to be exhibiting on a daily basis. I think it's also the key to successful relationships, if I can narrow it down to just one thing. I've been mulling this stuff over for quite some time now and this is really just grazing the tip of an enormous issue. So, let's dialogue anytime.
Because of a lack of creativity, I've deferred once again to a title that looks more fitting for Street Fighter II Turbo than for a blog entry. And once again I've deferred to inspiration by other authors/artists seeing as I can't muster enough independent thought to say something truly original (if such a thing even exists anymore...originality that is). As Google Scholar reminds me intermittently, we stand on the shoulders of giants. Tonight, Brittany Breidenbach and Dustin Kensrue are the shoulders of choice. Ms. Breidenbach wrote a nice little article on relevant.com called "Learning to Run in the Dark", mainly concerning the disillusionment and anxiety surrounding post-grad life. This is an excerpt from the end of her article:
"There is a point when staying in one place causes people to stagnate. Even though it would feel comfortable if I kept working for my college newspaper or stayed in school until something better came along, I would never learn to take a risk. Even worse, I would never learn to put my trust in God.
Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states that change is necessary “where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” Walking blindly into an unknown phase of life is scary and dangerous. It requires perseverance in doubt and trust in the darkness.
I now see my unknown future as a time of opportunity, not regret."
I think there is a lot of truth in correlating a lack of movement, or inactivity, with stagnation. Paul's plea to the Philippians to "press on" does intrinsically suggest the necessity of motion and activity in a full, healthy life. However, I think some words by Dustin Kensrue also suggest a different, and more incomplete side to motion.
"What a beautiful way to fake it,
This sort of graceful defeat,
We found a pattern out on the pavement,
Sound the siren out through the streets,
Advance in perfect nonchalance,
Do it together with a rifle report,
Don’t marvel at our confidence,
It’s troubled, bottled, and above all...deformed,
Tell me that you wanna stop the war,
But baby you can't dance if there's no floor,
Motion isn't meaning,
It’s just another drug,
But it's all we've got...
What a way to keep it together,
A black box, a prescription for speed,
We found a freeway that goes on forever,
Drown the demon in the deep black sea..."
The song continues on, but the ideas I want to focus on are fairly represented in the first half. There is a sense in which motion is imperfect and really is a "beautiful way to fake it". Motion is a great way to purport confidence and fake happiness. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in novelty and constantly look for the next new thing to get my by and keep me happy. Motion is a fantastic little drug in the sense that it keeps us from ever having to face ourselves and God and really figure out who we are and where we are now, who we're actually supposed to be, and where we're actually supposed to be. Despite the risks and the unknown, the black box with the Mario Bros.-esque question mark in the future can really be quite comforting. If we just keep moving down that road, we can completely avoid finding purpose in our lives and establishing confidence and esteem.
I do think motion is a great prescription at times, but it is absolutely essential that the mover has a foundation. In Dustin's words, I think you need a floor if you're gonna go dance. My parents have encouraged me (for the duration of my entire cognisant life) to be complete in myself and in the Lord, FIRST AND ABOVE ALL THINGS. If I am not completely sufficient and fulfilled in my relationship with the Lord alone, then I will never be fulfilled or gratified by my relationships with a girlfriend, a wife, my friends, my co-workers, my family, or really anyone for that matter. And in my short experience, this couldn't be more true. A change of pace will only ever be a quick fix unless it is accompanied by a deeply rooted sense of confidence and worth found in knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. At this point, motion is no longer a means to temporary happiness, but becomes integral to a healthy, active, and ultimately more faithful life. I think that the greatest indicator of this are the fruits of the spirit: love for the Lord and for your fellow man; a deeply rooted joy that literally overflows and impacts others; peace with the past, present, and the future; patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. This is the kind of stuff I want to be exhibiting on a daily basis. I think it's also the key to successful relationships, if I can narrow it down to just one thing. I've been mulling this stuff over for quite some time now and this is really just grazing the tip of an enormous issue. So, let's dialogue anytime.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Active Love and Love in Dreams
"'I love mankind,' he said, 'but I am amazed at myself: the more I love mankind in general, the less I love people in particular, that is, individually, as separate persons. In my dreams,' he said, 'I often went so far as to think passionately of serving mankind, and, it may be, would really have gone to the cross for people if it were somehow suddenly necessary, and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone even for two days, this I know from experience. As soon as someone is there, close to me, his personality oppresses my self-esteem and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I can begin to hate even the best of men: one because he takes too long eating his dinner, another because he has a cold and keeps blowing his nose. I become the enemy of people the moment they touch me,' he said. 'On the other hand, it has always happened that the more I hate people individually, the more ardent becomes my love for humanity as a whole.'" (1.2.4)
This passage needs no preface, and it is an injustice for me to even attempt to expand on Dostoevsky's portrait of active love vs. love in dreams. However, I seem to have a knack for literary impiety, so why not. At this point in the Brothers, Father Zosima, an elder in the Church is meeting with a woman of little faith. The woman has come to him seeking conviction, if not proof, of the afterlife. To this, Zosima answers that, "one cannot prove anything here, but it is possible to be convinced." (1.2.4) And by what means?
"By the experience of active love. Try to love your neighbors actively and tirelessly. The more you succeed in loving, the more you'll be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of the soul. And if you reach complete selflessness in the love of your neighbor, then undoubtedly you will believe, and no doubt will even be able to enter your soul. This has been tested. It is certain." (1.2.4)
And this is the catalyst for the little passage that began this entry. The first passage is painted with sorrowful humor. I dream vigilantly of using my education to help other people. I want to use my financial acumen to strengthen growing companies, like TOMS shoes, who are actively helping people around the world, and are acting out what I generally consider to be Christ's love and vision. However, despite my longing to do something "meaningful" with my life, how ironic is it that often times I can't even love the people that are close to me? As soon as I get close to people, I really do begin to "hate" them and tear them apart on the basis of their habits, their mannerisms, and every objectionable fault. I've recently begun an experimental phase of befriending new people, and fueling this is gnawing discontent. However, the honeymoon stage is short. Novelty is lost on me, and eventually, I'm faced with the stern reality that at some point in my life, I'm actually going to start loving the people I have relationships with. And with that, I once again defer to Dostoevsky's Zosima:
"...active love is a harsh and fearful things compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams thirsts for immediate action, quickly performed, and with everyone watching. Indeed, it will go so far as the giving even of one's life, provided it does not take long but is soon over, as on stage, and everyone is looking on and praising. Whereas active love is labor and perseverance, and for some people, perhaps a whole science. But I predict that even in that very moment when you see with horror that despite all your efforts, you not only have not come nearer your goal but seem to have gotten farther from it, at that very moment - I predict this to you - you will suddenly reach your goal and will clearly behold over you the wonder-working power of the Lord, who all the while has been loving you, and all the while has been mysteriously guiding you." (1.2.4)
To be continued... "'I love mankind,' he said, 'but I am amazed at myself: the more I love mankind in general, the less I love people in particular, that is, individually, as separate persons. In my dreams,' he said, 'I often went so far as to think passionately of serving mankind, and, it may be, would really have gone to the cross for people if it were somehow suddenly necessary, and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone even for two days, this I know from experience. As soon as someone is there, close to me, his personality oppresses my self-esteem and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I can begin to hate even the best of men: one because he takes too long eating his dinner, another because he has a cold and keeps blowing his nose. I become the enemy of people the moment they touch me,' he said. 'On the other hand, it has always happened that the more I hate people individually, the more ardent becomes my love for humanity as a whole.'" (1.2.4)
This passage needs no preface, and it is an injustice for me to even attempt to expand on Dostoevsky's portrait of active love vs. love in dreams. However, I seem to have a knack for literary impiety, so why not. At this point in the Brothers, Father Zosima, an elder in the Church is meeting with a woman of little faith. The woman has come to him seeking conviction, if not proof, of the afterlife. To this, Zosima answers that, "one cannot prove anything here, but it is possible to be convinced." (1.2.4) And by what means?
"By the experience of active love. Try to love your neighbors actively and tirelessly. The more you succeed in loving, the more you'll be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of the soul. And if you reach complete selflessness in the love of your neighbor, then undoubtedly you will believe, and no doubt will even be able to enter your soul. This has been tested. It is certain." (1.2.4)
And this is the catalyst for the little passage that began this entry. The first passage is painted with sorrowful humor. I dream vigilantly of using my education to help other people. I want to use my financial acumen to strengthen growing companies, like TOMS shoes, who are actively helping people around the world, and are acting out what I generally consider to be Christ's love and vision. However, despite my longing to do something "meaningful" with my life, how ironic is it that often times I can't even love the people that are close to me? As soon as I get close to people, I really do begin to "hate" them and tear them apart on the basis of their habits, their mannerisms, and every objectionable fault. I've recently begun an experimental phase of befriending new people, and fueling this is gnawing discontent. However, the honeymoon stage is short. Novelty is lost on me, and eventually, I'm faced with the stern reality that at some point in my life, I'm actually going to start loving the people I have relationships with. And with that, I once again defer to Dostoevsky's Zosima:
"...active love is a harsh and fearful things compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams thirsts for immediate action, quickly performed, and with everyone watching. Indeed, it will go so far as the giving even of one's life, provided it does not take long but is soon over, as on stage, and everyone is looking on and praising. Whereas active love is labor and perseverance, and for some people, perhaps a whole science. But I predict that even in that very moment when you see with horror that despite all your efforts, you not only have not come nearer your goal but seem to have gotten farther from it, at that very moment - I predict this to you - you will suddenly reach your goal and will clearly behold over you the wonder-working power of the Lord, who all the while has been loving you, and all the while has been mysteriously guiding you." (1.2.4)
To be continued...
This passage needs no preface, and it is an injustice for me to even attempt to expand on Dostoevsky's portrait of active love vs. love in dreams. However, I seem to have a knack for literary impiety, so why not. At this point in the Brothers, Father Zosima, an elder in the Church is meeting with a woman of little faith. The woman has come to him seeking conviction, if not proof, of the afterlife. To this, Zosima answers that, "one cannot prove anything here, but it is possible to be convinced." (1.2.4) And by what means?
"By the experience of active love. Try to love your neighbors actively and tirelessly. The more you succeed in loving, the more you'll be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of the soul. And if you reach complete selflessness in the love of your neighbor, then undoubtedly you will believe, and no doubt will even be able to enter your soul. This has been tested. It is certain." (1.2.4)
And this is the catalyst for the little passage that began this entry. The first passage is painted with sorrowful humor. I dream vigilantly of using my education to help other people. I want to use my financial acumen to strengthen growing companies, like TOMS shoes, who are actively helping people around the world, and are acting out what I generally consider to be Christ's love and vision. However, despite my longing to do something "meaningful" with my life, how ironic is it that often times I can't even love the people that are close to me? As soon as I get close to people, I really do begin to "hate" them and tear them apart on the basis of their habits, their mannerisms, and every objectionable fault. I've recently begun an experimental phase of befriending new people, and fueling this is gnawing discontent. However, the honeymoon stage is short. Novelty is lost on me, and eventually, I'm faced with the stern reality that at some point in my life, I'm actually going to start loving the people I have relationships with. And with that, I once again defer to Dostoevsky's Zosima:
"...active love is a harsh and fearful things compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams thirsts for immediate action, quickly performed, and with everyone watching. Indeed, it will go so far as the giving even of one's life, provided it does not take long but is soon over, as on stage, and everyone is looking on and praising. Whereas active love is labor and perseverance, and for some people, perhaps a whole science. But I predict that even in that very moment when you see with horror that despite all your efforts, you not only have not come nearer your goal but seem to have gotten farther from it, at that very moment - I predict this to you - you will suddenly reach your goal and will clearly behold over you the wonder-working power of the Lord, who all the while has been loving you, and all the while has been mysteriously guiding you." (1.2.4)
To be continued... "'I love mankind,' he said, 'but I am amazed at myself: the more I love mankind in general, the less I love people in particular, that is, individually, as separate persons. In my dreams,' he said, 'I often went so far as to think passionately of serving mankind, and, it may be, would really have gone to the cross for people if it were somehow suddenly necessary, and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone even for two days, this I know from experience. As soon as someone is there, close to me, his personality oppresses my self-esteem and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I can begin to hate even the best of men: one because he takes too long eating his dinner, another because he has a cold and keeps blowing his nose. I become the enemy of people the moment they touch me,' he said. 'On the other hand, it has always happened that the more I hate people individually, the more ardent becomes my love for humanity as a whole.'" (1.2.4)
This passage needs no preface, and it is an injustice for me to even attempt to expand on Dostoevsky's portrait of active love vs. love in dreams. However, I seem to have a knack for literary impiety, so why not. At this point in the Brothers, Father Zosima, an elder in the Church is meeting with a woman of little faith. The woman has come to him seeking conviction, if not proof, of the afterlife. To this, Zosima answers that, "one cannot prove anything here, but it is possible to be convinced." (1.2.4) And by what means?
"By the experience of active love. Try to love your neighbors actively and tirelessly. The more you succeed in loving, the more you'll be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of the soul. And if you reach complete selflessness in the love of your neighbor, then undoubtedly you will believe, and no doubt will even be able to enter your soul. This has been tested. It is certain." (1.2.4)
And this is the catalyst for the little passage that began this entry. The first passage is painted with sorrowful humor. I dream vigilantly of using my education to help other people. I want to use my financial acumen to strengthen growing companies, like TOMS shoes, who are actively helping people around the world, and are acting out what I generally consider to be Christ's love and vision. However, despite my longing to do something "meaningful" with my life, how ironic is it that often times I can't even love the people that are close to me? As soon as I get close to people, I really do begin to "hate" them and tear them apart on the basis of their habits, their mannerisms, and every objectionable fault. I've recently begun an experimental phase of befriending new people, and fueling this is gnawing discontent. However, the honeymoon stage is short. Novelty is lost on me, and eventually, I'm faced with the stern reality that at some point in my life, I'm actually going to start loving the people I have relationships with. And with that, I once again defer to Dostoevsky's Zosima:
"...active love is a harsh and fearful things compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams thirsts for immediate action, quickly performed, and with everyone watching. Indeed, it will go so far as the giving even of one's life, provided it does not take long but is soon over, as on stage, and everyone is looking on and praising. Whereas active love is labor and perseverance, and for some people, perhaps a whole science. But I predict that even in that very moment when you see with horror that despite all your efforts, you not only have not come nearer your goal but seem to have gotten farther from it, at that very moment - I predict this to you - you will suddenly reach your goal and will clearly behold over you the wonder-working power of the Lord, who all the while has been loving you, and all the while has been mysteriously guiding you." (1.2.4)
To be continued...
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