Some thoughts on friendship + a shout out

Well, to begin, this post is shamelessly, blatantly, and a bit embarrassingly, dedicated to my unlikely new friend mallory. Also, i'm going to try to write it in one take :)

Ok, now that that's taken care of...so i've been doing a lot of thinking about friendship recently, and because i often misuse this blog as an opportunity to wear a portion of my heart on my sleeve, the topic of friendship will be tonight's incoherent stream of consciousness.

I feel like I've been raised in a culture that denies all the best parts of friendship and teaches us how to make acquaintances instead of best friends. At least in my experience, our popular culture's emphasis on independence has taught us never to tell the truths of our inner beings to anyone lest we get hurt or disappointed. Mature friendships are rare. However, I think that side-by-side friendships are something we've become really good at. We watch sports side-by-side, we work side-by-side, we play video games side-by-side, we eat and drink side-by-side, but God forbid that we should have to face each other and engage in deep conversation that is rooted in love for one another. I think we've also become really good at "trophy friendship", and quantity has taken the value of quality. It's become really easy to have a lot of acquaintances with no real friends. Friends aren't meant to be found and collected though, and I would argue that it is impossible to actually "find" a friend. I think the best we can do is to love and befriend one another, only to find that companionship is mysteriously born.

Coming from the perspective of a young Christian man, I see friendship in essentially three ways. First, is the kind of friendship that God calls us to when He tells us to love all of humanity, even our enemies. The second kind is one I share with my brothers and sisters in Christ because we have kindred minds and hearts in our love for the Lord. The last is much more rare, mainly because it is costly. I almost don't even have words for this kind of friend because calling them a "best friend" just sounds trite and all i can think of is "bff4l!!!!!". I'll just do my best to describe this kind of friend and you can draw your own conclusions.

The first thing I find in this kind of friend is a sense of safety. I think of Jonathan and David in the Bible. I also think of the verse in ecclesiastes that says "two are better than one, because they have good reward for their toil. for if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to the one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help...and though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. a threefold cord is not easily broken". we're meant to travel in good company. we're not made to be chronically lonely. these are the kind of friends you call at 2:00 in the morning because there is safety and trust.

These kind of friends are attentive. They actually care about what you have to say and they are compassionate and empathetic in their response. On the other side of the fine line, they hold you accountable and tell you the truth, getting to the heart of things, even when that is the hard thing to hear. Friends like these are loyal, but not in the sense that they gain something from their loyalty. These kind of friends are forgiving of the past and selflessly love you into the future. There's this verse in john which i absolutely love that says "no one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends"

Three more things (then I'm done, i promise). These kind of friendships require distance. I know that seems paradoxical because the whole point of having a best friend is that they are close to you. However, friendship is not enmeshment. The best kind of friends respect the uniqueness and inviolability of the other. They don't burden themselves with trying to make the other like themselves, but rather, they leave a little space for the other to be. I think if this line is crossed, we get into really treacherous waters...dependency. We start giving the love we should have for the Lord to another person, and they inevitably disappoint us. A friend/significant other/spouse can never be a foundation. They are blessings.

lastly, i think one of the best ingredients for a friendship is learning how to "waste" time together. of course it's not really a waste, and i'm stating the obvious here, but really great friendships are so rare because they cost A LOT of time and energy. we make time for what we value, and i think the value of time that is "wasted" well with friends is priceless (enter visa commercial).

a friend patiently listens. they hold our secrets in trust. they carry us when it's necessary. they inspire us to be and to do better. who could ask for more than that?

mal, even though our friendship is just beginning, you've taught me some really cool stuff about friendship and definitely broken the status quo for how it works. specifically, thanks for teaching me the value of honesty. just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate you in this very awkward, tangential post. Well, to begin, this post is shamelessly, blatantly, and a bit embarrassingly, dedicated to my unlikely new friend mallory. Also, i'm going to try to write it in one take :)

Ok, now that that's taken care of...so i've been doing a lot of thinking about friendship recently, and because i often misuse this blog as an opportunity to wear a portion of my heart on my sleeve, the topic of friendship will be tonight's incoherent stream of consciousness.

I feel like I've been raised in a culture that denies all the best parts of friendship and teaches us how to make acquaintances instead of best friends. At least in my experience, our popular culture's emphasis on independence has taught us never to tell the truths of our inner beings to anyone lest we get hurt or disappointed. Mature friendships are rare. However, I think that side-by-side friendships are something we've become really good at. We watch sports side-by-side, we work side-by-side, we play video games side-by-side, we eat and drink side-by-side, but God forbid that we should have to face each other and engage in deep conversation that is rooted in love for one another. I think we've also become really good at "trophy friendship", and quantity has taken the value of quality. It's become really easy to have a lot of acquaintances with no real friends. Friends aren't meant to be found and collected though, and I would argue that it is impossible to actually "find" a friend. I think the best we can do is to love and befriend one another, only to find that companionship is mysteriously born.

Coming from the perspective of a young Christian man, I see friendship in essentially three ways. First, is the kind of friendship that God calls us to when He tells us to love all of humanity, even our enemies. The second kind is one I share with my brothers and sisters in Christ because we have kindred minds and hearts in our love for the Lord. The last is much more rare, mainly because it is costly. I almost don't even have words for this kind of friend because calling them a "best friend" just sounds trite and all i can think of is "bff4l!!!!!". I'll just do my best to describe this kind of friend and you can draw your own conclusions.

The first thing I find in this kind of friend is a sense of safety. I think of Jonathan and David in the Bible. I also think of the verse in ecclesiastes that says "two are better than one, because they have good reward for their toil. for if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to the one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help...and though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. a threefold cord is not easily broken". we're meant to travel in good company. we're not made to be chronically lonely. these are the kind of friends you call at 2:00 in the morning because there is safety and trust.

These kind of friends are attentive. They actually care about what you have to say and they are compassionate and empathetic in their response. On the other side of the fine line, they hold you accountable and tell you the truth, getting to the heart of things, even when that is the hard thing to hear. Friends like these are loyal, but not in the sense that they gain something from their loyalty. These kind of friends are forgiving of the past and selflessly love you into the future. There's this verse in john which i absolutely love that says "no one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends"

Three more things (then I'm done, i promise). These kind of friendships require distance. I know that seems paradoxical because the whole point of having a best friend is that they are close to you. However, friendship is not enmeshment. The best kind of friends respect the uniqueness and inviolability of the other. They don't burden themselves with trying to make the other like themselves, but rather, they leave a little space for the other to be. I think if this line is crossed, we get into really treacherous waters...dependency. We start giving the love we should have for the Lord to another person, and they inevitably disappoint us. A friend/significant other/spouse can never be a foundation. They are blessings.

lastly, i think one of the best ingredients for a friendship is learning how to "waste" time together. of course it's not really a waste, and i'm stating the obvious here, but really great friendships are so rare because they cost A LOT of time and energy. we make time for what we value, and i think the value of time that is "wasted" well with friends is priceless (enter visa commercial).

a friend patiently listens. they hold our secrets in trust. they carry us when it's necessary. they inspire us to be and to do better. who could ask for more than that?

mal, even though our friendship is just beginning, you've taught me some really cool stuff about friendship and definitely broken the status quo for how it works. specifically, thanks for teaching me the value of honesty. just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate you in this very awkward, tangential post.