team members

hello loyal readers,

i don't know why, but when my blog becomes self-aware it bothers me. but i'm going to keep that irking opening line (and these first two sentences) because if you do happen to be reading this, you are most likely mallory, a loyal friend, or a stalker because i never write in here anymore. so congratulations on cultivating the virtue that qualifies you as a "treasure" in my life, according to ecclesiastes.

so i tend to be a bit of a sponge when it comes to traditions and quirks. i rarely make up my own traditions, but i tend to pick up others' as i move through life. one of the more recent quirky little traditions i've started incorporating is the "team member" game. this game is most easily played in a large city where its denizens are so diverse in spectrum that the bizarre occurrences become commonplace. i didn't have to look too far...san francisco definitely qualifies. the game is a bit juvenile, more than a bit judgmental, and entirely reminds me of choosing kickball teams in elementary school. pretty much, anytime you run across an interesting character that you wouldn't necessarily want on your team for anything in life (with the exception of the circus), you inappropriately interrupt the current conversation to interject "your team!" and make some subtle motion towards the intended team member. example time: ancient asian man in little italy today with a "neard" down past his sternum. incredible. honestly...no facial hair, no chin hair...the "neard" probably started a full inch off his chin, nearly above the adam's apple. i was in awe. definitely deferred him to the other team.

here's the thing with this game though...i would guarantee you that 99.9% of team members in this world have an element where they are completely comfortable and accepted. i can also guarantee you that 100% of these people are loved by Jesus. it actually kind of comforts me to know that no matter how strange people get in this world, they are probably loved, liked, or accepted by someone else somewhere and they are most certainly loved by Christ. i should love them too. i should want them on my team because that's exactly what Jesus would do. He ate with the poor, the strange, and the outcasts. He came to save the sinners. my problem is that i'm just terrified of the person with the crazy eyes who's licking his lips at me and peeing on himself. too far? yea. incorrect? wouldn't be me if it wasn't. but seriously, i'm just afraid of people who aren't in my realm of daily experience or who don't quite view the world through my lens. how am i supposed to love these people? i suppose Christ, His love, and His methods far exceed my own fears, my own inabilities, and my own imperfections. i'll find the answer in Him. it'll just take time, as all good things seem to do from time to time (except some great things which blow your mind and expectations with the intensity of their haste and certainty...wink wink cough cough hint hint).

so to tie all these tangents together, i will likely continue to play the team member game into my old age because there is a part of my naive sheltered heart which never left the san ramon valley christian academy third grade kickball PE class. on the other hand, i hope that God helps me overcome my fear of the unknown so that i can be a better man.

that's all. oh, by the way, does anyone have a friend in the diamond business? and don't say the shane company...because their commercials suck and they don't count. hello loyal readers,

i don't know why, but when my blog becomes self-aware it bothers me. but i'm going to keep that irking opening line (and these first two sentences) because if you do happen to be reading this, you are most likely mallory, a loyal friend, or a stalker because i never write in here anymore. so congratulations on cultivating the virtue that qualifies you as a "treasure" in my life, according to ecclesiastes.

so i tend to be a bit of a sponge when it comes to traditions and quirks. i rarely make up my own traditions, but i tend to pick up others' as i move through life. one of the more recent quirky little traditions i've started incorporating is the "team member" game. this game is most easily played in a large city where its denizens are so diverse in spectrum that the bizarre occurrences become commonplace. i didn't have to look too far...san francisco definitely qualifies. the game is a bit juvenile, more than a bit judgmental, and entirely reminds me of choosing kickball teams in elementary school. pretty much, anytime you run across an interesting character that you wouldn't necessarily want on your team for anything in life (with the exception of the circus), you inappropriately interrupt the current conversation to interject "your team!" and make some subtle motion towards the intended team member. example time: ancient asian man in little italy today with a "neard" down past his sternum. incredible. honestly...no facial hair, no chin hair...the "neard" probably started a full inch off his chin, nearly above the adam's apple. i was in awe. definitely deferred him to the other team.

here's the thing with this game though...i would guarantee you that 99.9% of team members in this world have an element where they are completely comfortable and accepted. i can also guarantee you that 100% of these people are loved by Jesus. it actually kind of comforts me to know that no matter how strange people get in this world, they are probably loved, liked, or accepted by someone else somewhere and they are most certainly loved by Christ. i should love them too. i should want them on my team because that's exactly what Jesus would do. He ate with the poor, the strange, and the outcasts. He came to save the sinners. my problem is that i'm just terrified of the person with the crazy eyes who's licking his lips at me and peeing on himself. too far? yea. incorrect? wouldn't be me if it wasn't. but seriously, i'm just afraid of people who aren't in my realm of daily experience or who don't quite view the world through my lens. how am i supposed to love these people? i suppose Christ, His love, and His methods far exceed my own fears, my own inabilities, and my own imperfections. i'll find the answer in Him. it'll just take time, as all good things seem to do from time to time (except some great things which blow your mind and expectations with the intensity of their haste and certainty...wink wink cough cough hint hint).

so to tie all these tangents together, i will likely continue to play the team member game into my old age because there is a part of my naive sheltered heart which never left the san ramon valley christian academy third grade kickball PE class. on the other hand, i hope that God helps me overcome my fear of the unknown so that i can be a better man.

that's all. oh, by the way, does anyone have a friend in the diamond business? and don't say the shane company...because their commercials suck and they don't count.

On love

I've been doing a lot of thinking on love lately, and I'm starting to wonder if many of us have had it all wrong. I realized something important about a year and a half ago, and its only now that I have been tried and refined that I have finally found words for what I discovered back then: human beings really can't make one another very happy for long.

Let me explain: if we are to take love, or the object of our love (let's say a woman), as an end in itself, it is quite easy to fall into an obsessive, but quite natural, zeal for her. I think there is a part of this love that is very instinctive if we look at the bonds that are formed between lovers, friends, and families...but we can't allow love to end here. There is danger in allowing love, or its object, to exist as an end in itself because it goes bad when it is set up on its own. I think the most dangerous part about love is that there is something in it which makes it easy just to stop at the natural level and mistake it for something heavenly and eternal. Essentially it becomes a false god. I think it is somewhat easier to give up our base desires and appetites (like lust) to God because it's easier to recognize our need for salvation and redemption there. I think it's much harder to see when we've taken love as an end in itself and wronged God and others in doing so. There is only one Good in this world, and that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him. Not to say that love is holy or unholy in itself, but it becomes holy when God's hands are on the reins.

I think that God wants to take this instinctive, natural love and turn it into something better. We exist as fathers, mothers, siblings, children, and lovers only because we exist first as God's creation. That relationship is older and closer. God loves us deeply. God has suffered for us. God has waited a long time for us. He wants us to love each other as He understands love. I don't mean to say that I think loving other people is a means to an end, because each person we come across in our lives certainly has their own permanence, importance, and intrinsic value...it's just that we are not meant to stop and spend eternity there. We are meant to press on, journey further, and find God.

So where do we begin? For me, the only remedy to this "cheapened" sense of love was to take it away. It's only when this first sense of "love" lets us down that, in the loneliness and the silence, something else much grander has the chance to grow. I learned then and there to want God for His own sake. I began small...learning to want God besides friends, family, and a wife. God planted a small flame of desire for Him to start this process in me. It was later that I learned to want God more than these things. I learned all along that I had been wrong, and that there was no need to go on pretending as if I were right! My friends, my family, and this "perfect woman" that I had always dreamed of weren't mine...they were never meant to be. They are God's, and they always have been. However, at this point, paradoxically, God HAS given them to me in a sense as blessings, as an inheritance in His Family, in trust. I still am having trouble putting words to this event and this feeling...but it was only when I gave everything up that I truly received it for the first time. Maybe this is what the Bible is talking about when it says that you must "hate" your life before you can gain it. We give up our natural love of others as an end and learn to love God in its stead, only to receive love to give fully in the eternal sense. I've begun to truly live and truly love and I believe entirely that you cannot love another creature fully and rightly until you love God.

When Mallory and I were talking this morning, she touched on something important which got me thinking about writing this: she said that if I died, her life, her heart, and her ability to love others wouldn't be ruined because her love does not end with me...it ends with God. We both love God more than we love each other, and as such, we are learning to love each other fully. It took different events in our lives to pull us outside of ourselves, outside this natural sense of love, to draw us to the Lord so that He could reveal love to us in the eternal sense. But in losing ourselves to Him, I think we can both agree that we have received one thousand-fold what we gave up. To God be the glory, forever. I've been doing a lot of thinking on love lately, and I'm starting to wonder if many of us have had it all wrong. I realized something important about a year and a half ago, and its only now that I have been tried and refined that I have finally found words for what I discovered back then: human beings really can't make one another very happy for long.

Let me explain: if we are to take love, or the object of our love (let's say a woman), as an end in itself, it is quite easy to fall into an obsessive, but quite natural, zeal for her. I think there is a part of this love that is very instinctive if we look at the bonds that are formed between lovers, friends, and families...but we can't allow love to end here. There is danger in allowing love, or its object, to exist as an end in itself because it goes bad when it is set up on its own. I think the most dangerous part about love is that there is something in it which makes it easy just to stop at the natural level and mistake it for something heavenly and eternal. Essentially it becomes a false god. I think it is somewhat easier to give up our base desires and appetites (like lust) to God because it's easier to recognize our need for salvation and redemption there. I think it's much harder to see when we've taken love as an end in itself and wronged God and others in doing so. There is only one Good in this world, and that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him. Not to say that love is holy or unholy in itself, but it becomes holy when God's hands are on the reins.

I think that God wants to take this instinctive, natural love and turn it into something better. We exist as fathers, mothers, siblings, children, and lovers only because we exist first as God's creation. That relationship is older and closer. God loves us deeply. God has suffered for us. God has waited a long time for us. He wants us to love each other as He understands love. I don't mean to say that I think loving other people is a means to an end, because each person we come across in our lives certainly has their own permanence, importance, and intrinsic value...it's just that we are not meant to stop and spend eternity there. We are meant to press on, journey further, and find God.

So where do we begin? For me, the only remedy to this "cheapened" sense of love was to take it away. It's only when this first sense of "love" lets us down that, in the loneliness and the silence, something else much grander has the chance to grow. I learned then and there to want God for His own sake. I began small...learning to want God besides friends, family, and a wife. God planted a small flame of desire for Him to start this process in me. It was later that I learned to want God more than these things. I learned all along that I had been wrong, and that there was no need to go on pretending as if I were right! My friends, my family, and this "perfect woman" that I had always dreamed of weren't mine...they were never meant to be. They are God's, and they always have been. However, at this point, paradoxically, God HAS given them to me in a sense as blessings, as an inheritance in His Family, in trust. I still am having trouble putting words to this event and this feeling...but it was only when I gave everything up that I truly received it for the first time. Maybe this is what the Bible is talking about when it says that you must "hate" your life before you can gain it. We give up our natural love of others as an end and learn to love God in its stead, only to receive love to give fully in the eternal sense. I've begun to truly live and truly love and I believe entirely that you cannot love another creature fully and rightly until you love God.

When Mallory and I were talking this morning, she touched on something important which got me thinking about writing this: she said that if I died, her life, her heart, and her ability to love others wouldn't be ruined because her love does not end with me...it ends with God. We both love God more than we love each other, and as such, we are learning to love each other fully. It took different events in our lives to pull us outside of ourselves, outside this natural sense of love, to draw us to the Lord so that He could reveal love to us in the eternal sense. But in losing ourselves to Him, I think we can both agree that we have received one thousand-fold what we gave up. To God be the glory, forever.

pistol

a boyish love song. :-)



I love how you curse when I wake you up
And sweetly demand that I fill your cup.
I follow your cool gun powder glare
Honey, you lay me bare.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my bets,
Oh, I put all my money on you.

When I'm in the dark, girl, you bring me to light.
It seems like you're almost always right.
So keep boxing my ears when I sew them shut.
Baby, you sure are tough.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my fears,
Honey, I feel so safe around you.

If the tiller man taught me anything,
It's that a hard-headed woman is what I need
To help me to always do my best.
Baby, my life is blessed.

You're the girl of my dreams
Darling, please wear this ring
You're an angel through and through.
Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you.

Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you a boyish love song. :-)



I love how you curse when I wake you up
And sweetly demand that I fill your cup.
I follow your cool gun powder glare
Honey, you lay me bare.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my bets,
Oh, I put all my money on you.

When I'm in the dark, girl, you bring me to light.
It seems like you're almost always right.
So keep boxing my ears when I sew them shut.
Baby, you sure are tough.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my fears,
Honey, I feel so safe around you.

If the tiller man taught me anything,
It's that a hard-headed woman is what I need
To help me to always do my best.
Baby, my life is blessed.

You're the girl of my dreams
Darling, please wear this ring
You're an angel through and through.
Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you.

Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you

A couple of things

It's a "work night" so this is going to be a short one. It's funny how life comes full circle: my mom used to make me go to bed early on school nights and here I am eight years later forcing myself to get plenty of rest for my "big day" at work tomorrow. It actually will probably be a pretty big day considering all the stuff we have sitting in the pipeline right now coupled with how new I am to this line of work. To escalate my work day to epic levels, I plan on drinking a combination of at least three coffees/diet cokes before 10AM...failing that, I'll just stare at the Mondrian print I just hung up in my office until I feel inspired to underwrite the perfectly structured credit. I suppose this is as good a segway as any because I want to talk about art tonight...particularly music.

Without music we are left with speech. Now don't get me wrong, anyone who knows me in the least knows that I love conversation. However, I think sometimes I get carried away. I find myself talking too much and speaking too quickly often times. I don't think those things are necessarily bad in themselves, but from a spiritual standpoint, I find my affinity for talking to be a bit of a roadblock. I think this is where music plays its mysterious role in my life: it humbles me. Something about music just awakens my heart to God's sheer otherness. I'm left in his grandeur and I often feel a smallness that it's hard for me to find elsewhere. Something about music allows me to give over the reigns to my life to the Lord and be led. Music releases me from my mind and opens up the passions my heart. I think there is good spiritual practice here, on letting go.

Right now I'm learning to come to the Lord with blessings in my life, not just with sorrow. I've been incredibly blessed. I could write volumes on all the different aspects of my life and on those who surround me which and who I am thankful for. I struggle understanding God's graciousness here, and I find myself holding onto the blessings in my life too tightly, somewhat scared that with one misstep they may all slip away. And they may. But that is not for me to decide. My life is somewhat of a mosaic, and as God continues to reveal Himself and His plans for my life, I'm starting to realize that I need to give what I have to Him...in times of suffering AND in times of blessed hope and joy.

On one last tangential note, here is a video that I am obsessed with. Endeavor media group, the guys who shot this, are incredible. August burns red, the guys playing, are incredible. Together, they have combined forces and blown my mind twice. For those who don't know me very well, I love metal. Enjoy.


It's a "work night" so this is going to be a short one. It's funny how life comes full circle: my mom used to make me go to bed early on school nights and here I am eight years later forcing myself to get plenty of rest for my "big day" at work tomorrow. It actually will probably be a pretty big day considering all the stuff we have sitting in the pipeline right now coupled with how new I am to this line of work. To escalate my work day to epic levels, I plan on drinking a combination of at least three coffees/diet cokes before 10AM...failing that, I'll just stare at the Mondrian print I just hung up in my office until I feel inspired to underwrite the perfectly structured credit. I suppose this is as good a segway as any because I want to talk about art tonight...particularly music.

Without music we are left with speech. Now don't get me wrong, anyone who knows me in the least knows that I love conversation. However, I think sometimes I get carried away. I find myself talking too much and speaking too quickly often times. I don't think those things are necessarily bad in themselves, but from a spiritual standpoint, I find my affinity for talking to be a bit of a roadblock. I think this is where music plays its mysterious role in my life: it humbles me. Something about music just awakens my heart to God's sheer otherness. I'm left in his grandeur and I often feel a smallness that it's hard for me to find elsewhere. Something about music allows me to give over the reigns to my life to the Lord and be led. Music releases me from my mind and opens up the passions my heart. I think there is good spiritual practice here, on letting go.

Right now I'm learning to come to the Lord with blessings in my life, not just with sorrow. I've been incredibly blessed. I could write volumes on all the different aspects of my life and on those who surround me which and who I am thankful for. I struggle understanding God's graciousness here, and I find myself holding onto the blessings in my life too tightly, somewhat scared that with one misstep they may all slip away. And they may. But that is not for me to decide. My life is somewhat of a mosaic, and as God continues to reveal Himself and His plans for my life, I'm starting to realize that I need to give what I have to Him...in times of suffering AND in times of blessed hope and joy.

On one last tangential note, here is a video that I am obsessed with. Endeavor media group, the guys who shot this, are incredible. August burns red, the guys playing, are incredible. Together, they have combined forces and blown my mind twice. For those who don't know me very well, I love metal. Enjoy.

Some thoughts on friendship + a shout out

Well, to begin, this post is shamelessly, blatantly, and a bit embarrassingly, dedicated to my unlikely new friend mallory. Also, i'm going to try to write it in one take :)

Ok, now that that's taken care of...so i've been doing a lot of thinking about friendship recently, and because i often misuse this blog as an opportunity to wear a portion of my heart on my sleeve, the topic of friendship will be tonight's incoherent stream of consciousness.

I feel like I've been raised in a culture that denies all the best parts of friendship and teaches us how to make acquaintances instead of best friends. At least in my experience, our popular culture's emphasis on independence has taught us never to tell the truths of our inner beings to anyone lest we get hurt or disappointed. Mature friendships are rare. However, I think that side-by-side friendships are something we've become really good at. We watch sports side-by-side, we work side-by-side, we play video games side-by-side, we eat and drink side-by-side, but God forbid that we should have to face each other and engage in deep conversation that is rooted in love for one another. I think we've also become really good at "trophy friendship", and quantity has taken the value of quality. It's become really easy to have a lot of acquaintances with no real friends. Friends aren't meant to be found and collected though, and I would argue that it is impossible to actually "find" a friend. I think the best we can do is to love and befriend one another, only to find that companionship is mysteriously born.

Coming from the perspective of a young Christian man, I see friendship in essentially three ways. First, is the kind of friendship that God calls us to when He tells us to love all of humanity, even our enemies. The second kind is one I share with my brothers and sisters in Christ because we have kindred minds and hearts in our love for the Lord. The last is much more rare, mainly because it is costly. I almost don't even have words for this kind of friend because calling them a "best friend" just sounds trite and all i can think of is "bff4l!!!!!". I'll just do my best to describe this kind of friend and you can draw your own conclusions.

The first thing I find in this kind of friend is a sense of safety. I think of Jonathan and David in the Bible. I also think of the verse in ecclesiastes that says "two are better than one, because they have good reward for their toil. for if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to the one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help...and though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. a threefold cord is not easily broken". we're meant to travel in good company. we're not made to be chronically lonely. these are the kind of friends you call at 2:00 in the morning because there is safety and trust.

These kind of friends are attentive. They actually care about what you have to say and they are compassionate and empathetic in their response. On the other side of the fine line, they hold you accountable and tell you the truth, getting to the heart of things, even when that is the hard thing to hear. Friends like these are loyal, but not in the sense that they gain something from their loyalty. These kind of friends are forgiving of the past and selflessly love you into the future. There's this verse in john which i absolutely love that says "no one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends"

Three more things (then I'm done, i promise). These kind of friendships require distance. I know that seems paradoxical because the whole point of having a best friend is that they are close to you. However, friendship is not enmeshment. The best kind of friends respect the uniqueness and inviolability of the other. They don't burden themselves with trying to make the other like themselves, but rather, they leave a little space for the other to be. I think if this line is crossed, we get into really treacherous waters...dependency. We start giving the love we should have for the Lord to another person, and they inevitably disappoint us. A friend/significant other/spouse can never be a foundation. They are blessings.

lastly, i think one of the best ingredients for a friendship is learning how to "waste" time together. of course it's not really a waste, and i'm stating the obvious here, but really great friendships are so rare because they cost A LOT of time and energy. we make time for what we value, and i think the value of time that is "wasted" well with friends is priceless (enter visa commercial).

a friend patiently listens. they hold our secrets in trust. they carry us when it's necessary. they inspire us to be and to do better. who could ask for more than that?

mal, even though our friendship is just beginning, you've taught me some really cool stuff about friendship and definitely broken the status quo for how it works. specifically, thanks for teaching me the value of honesty. just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate you in this very awkward, tangential post. Well, to begin, this post is shamelessly, blatantly, and a bit embarrassingly, dedicated to my unlikely new friend mallory. Also, i'm going to try to write it in one take :)

Ok, now that that's taken care of...so i've been doing a lot of thinking about friendship recently, and because i often misuse this blog as an opportunity to wear a portion of my heart on my sleeve, the topic of friendship will be tonight's incoherent stream of consciousness.

I feel like I've been raised in a culture that denies all the best parts of friendship and teaches us how to make acquaintances instead of best friends. At least in my experience, our popular culture's emphasis on independence has taught us never to tell the truths of our inner beings to anyone lest we get hurt or disappointed. Mature friendships are rare. However, I think that side-by-side friendships are something we've become really good at. We watch sports side-by-side, we work side-by-side, we play video games side-by-side, we eat and drink side-by-side, but God forbid that we should have to face each other and engage in deep conversation that is rooted in love for one another. I think we've also become really good at "trophy friendship", and quantity has taken the value of quality. It's become really easy to have a lot of acquaintances with no real friends. Friends aren't meant to be found and collected though, and I would argue that it is impossible to actually "find" a friend. I think the best we can do is to love and befriend one another, only to find that companionship is mysteriously born.

Coming from the perspective of a young Christian man, I see friendship in essentially three ways. First, is the kind of friendship that God calls us to when He tells us to love all of humanity, even our enemies. The second kind is one I share with my brothers and sisters in Christ because we have kindred minds and hearts in our love for the Lord. The last is much more rare, mainly because it is costly. I almost don't even have words for this kind of friend because calling them a "best friend" just sounds trite and all i can think of is "bff4l!!!!!". I'll just do my best to describe this kind of friend and you can draw your own conclusions.

The first thing I find in this kind of friend is a sense of safety. I think of Jonathan and David in the Bible. I also think of the verse in ecclesiastes that says "two are better than one, because they have good reward for their toil. for if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to the one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help...and though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. a threefold cord is not easily broken". we're meant to travel in good company. we're not made to be chronically lonely. these are the kind of friends you call at 2:00 in the morning because there is safety and trust.

These kind of friends are attentive. They actually care about what you have to say and they are compassionate and empathetic in their response. On the other side of the fine line, they hold you accountable and tell you the truth, getting to the heart of things, even when that is the hard thing to hear. Friends like these are loyal, but not in the sense that they gain something from their loyalty. These kind of friends are forgiving of the past and selflessly love you into the future. There's this verse in john which i absolutely love that says "no one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends"

Three more things (then I'm done, i promise). These kind of friendships require distance. I know that seems paradoxical because the whole point of having a best friend is that they are close to you. However, friendship is not enmeshment. The best kind of friends respect the uniqueness and inviolability of the other. They don't burden themselves with trying to make the other like themselves, but rather, they leave a little space for the other to be. I think if this line is crossed, we get into really treacherous waters...dependency. We start giving the love we should have for the Lord to another person, and they inevitably disappoint us. A friend/significant other/spouse can never be a foundation. They are blessings.

lastly, i think one of the best ingredients for a friendship is learning how to "waste" time together. of course it's not really a waste, and i'm stating the obvious here, but really great friendships are so rare because they cost A LOT of time and energy. we make time for what we value, and i think the value of time that is "wasted" well with friends is priceless (enter visa commercial).

a friend patiently listens. they hold our secrets in trust. they carry us when it's necessary. they inspire us to be and to do better. who could ask for more than that?

mal, even though our friendship is just beginning, you've taught me some really cool stuff about friendship and definitely broken the status quo for how it works. specifically, thanks for teaching me the value of honesty. just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate you in this very awkward, tangential post.

Welcoming Change

I was reading something that a new friend of mine wrote about change and it struck me that I'm really not very well prepared for it to happen in my own life. More than anything, I long to be a man after God's own heart. But that desire is so often waylaid by my own inabilities to be righteous by myself. I'm a conflicted host. It's almost as if I shun God's revolutionary works in my life even as I call out to Him.

My problem essentially lies in the fact that when God really becomes the Lord of your life, He not only raises up, but He also denies and rebukes. I think sometimes I want the raising up part of spiritual growth without any of the admonition. I think what it all comes down to is that I haven't really made a suitable welcome for my God. I really need to develop humility and patience. Humility because despite all my best efforts, it is the Holy Spirit's powerful work that incrementally transforms my life, not my own work or ingenuity. Patience because this transformation requires time, error, and failure, and is far from immediate. I've believed since I was about five years old, and I still feel like Christ's work has only just begun in me.

I once read something that said "we were created in love in order to love, so that we may finally be embraced forever by a greater Love that will never let us go". That sounds about as good as it gets to me. I know I still have a long way to go to become the man that God created me to be. I think a good place to start would be to make a humble welcome for Him. I was reading something that a new friend of mine wrote about change and it struck me that I'm really not very well prepared for it to happen in my own life. More than anything, I long to be a man after God's own heart. But that desire is so often waylaid by my own inabilities to be righteous by myself. I'm a conflicted host. It's almost as if I shun God's revolutionary works in my life even as I call out to Him.

My problem essentially lies in the fact that when God really becomes the Lord of your life, He not only raises up, but He also denies and rebukes. I think sometimes I want the raising up part of spiritual growth without any of the admonition. I think what it all comes down to is that I haven't really made a suitable welcome for my God. I really need to develop humility and patience. Humility because despite all my best efforts, it is the Holy Spirit's powerful work that incrementally transforms my life, not my own work or ingenuity. Patience because this transformation requires time, error, and failure, and is far from immediate. I've believed since I was about five years old, and I still feel like Christ's work has only just begun in me.

I once read something that said "we were created in love in order to love, so that we may finally be embraced forever by a greater Love that will never let us go". That sounds about as good as it gets to me. I know I still have a long way to go to become the man that God created me to be. I think a good place to start would be to make a humble welcome for Him.

The Sound of Silence

Hi, my name's Jonathan Clark, and I'm addicted to white noise.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about busyness over the past year, and all that thinking finally culminated in the realization today that I haven't allowed for silence in my life. On a material level, I love napping with a fan on, my itunes runs enough hours of the day that it feels like it just came out of the oven, and I find myself getting lost in the general meaningless of slogan'ed and cliche'd conversations. On a more serious level, I'm finding it really hard to hear God's voice and understand His will. And if I'm going to be really honest, it's hard for me to even really know and understand my friends.

Sure, I've tried to be more cognisant of setting aside time for reflection and prayer, but I get easily distracted when I try to reflect on my week and I get a bit demanding (to a fault) when I pray. It was a verse in 1 Kings that really hit me hard today when I read it, and made me realize how much I need to shut up and attend to the Lord...here it is (actually, to give some background first, Elijah is running away from Jezebel (enemy) and is pretty depressed and feels completely forsaken. He retreats to Mt. Horeb where he hears a voice telling him to go stand on the mountain. Then this happens...)

Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence (1 kings 19:11-12)

I looked at a couple of different translations on the last part, and though it varies, the idea is all the same: Elijah met God in the silence. The Great Communicator (God in this case, not Ronald Reagan) once again confronts me with an enormous paradox. As believers, we're called to find God, find ourselves, and find others in silence. Silence as a positive form of communication is everywhere in scripture and in nature!

First, more scripture...check this out...

1) Be still and know that I am God (psalm 46:10)
2)Be silent before the Lord God! (zephaniah 1:7)
3) But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth keep silence before him! (habakkuk 2:20)
4) Never be rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be quick to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven, and you upon earth; therefore let your words be few. (ecclesiastes 5:2)

The advice and admonitions in scripture are certainly there, but I've seen it even in nature. It is felt in the quiet communion between two lovers when words are just completely superfluous. I mean, isn't that the kind of communication you would like to have with your future spouse? If God has a woman out there for me, I certainly would! Another example would be felt in the whispers of a mother comforting her child. I don't think it's so much the words that are said as it is the silent presence of the loving mother being made known to her child.

I think silence has gotten a bad rap because so often it is associated with loneliness, emptiness, relational failure, abandonment, and crushed hopes. I can't count the number of times that I've waited patiently for an expression of love, someone's blessing, or an apology and just been completely disappointed and disillusioned by their silence. It isn't the only possibility though. I'm presented with a new paradoxical sense of silence in that it fosters communication and strong relationships. It's an easy prescription that is difficult in practice.

I know it's worth the effort. Think of all the great spiritual leaders (Moses, Elijah, John the Baptist, Paul, and Jesus) who spent time in the desert and wilderness. It's not a flight from the world, but an attendance to the Lord in such a way that we come to know Him and ourselves. So yea, with all that being said, I'm really going to work on taking some time to be a little more silent. I think it will even have a really good impact on my friendships. I know I've been doing a lot of listening without really hearing, and I've done a lot of acting without really thinking, and it's about time that changed. Well, thanks for reading this...I know it was a bit long. Oh, also, if anyone has any practical ideas on how to make this work, I would love to hear 'em! My name is Jonathan Clark, and I've been silent for 45 minutes. :) Hi, my name's Jonathan Clark, and I'm addicted to white noise.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about busyness over the past year, and all that thinking finally culminated in the realization today that I haven't allowed for silence in my life. On a material level, I love napping with a fan on, my itunes runs enough hours of the day that it feels like it just came out of the oven, and I find myself getting lost in the general meaningless of slogan'ed and cliche'd conversations. On a more serious level, I'm finding it really hard to hear God's voice and understand His will. And if I'm going to be really honest, it's hard for me to even really know and understand my friends.

Sure, I've tried to be more cognisant of setting aside time for reflection and prayer, but I get easily distracted when I try to reflect on my week and I get a bit demanding (to a fault) when I pray. It was a verse in 1 Kings that really hit me hard today when I read it, and made me realize how much I need to shut up and attend to the Lord...here it is (actually, to give some background first, Elijah is running away from Jezebel (enemy) and is pretty depressed and feels completely forsaken. He retreats to Mt. Horeb where he hears a voice telling him to go stand on the mountain. Then this happens...)

Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence (1 kings 19:11-12)

I looked at a couple of different translations on the last part, and though it varies, the idea is all the same: Elijah met God in the silence. The Great Communicator (God in this case, not Ronald Reagan) once again confronts me with an enormous paradox. As believers, we're called to find God, find ourselves, and find others in silence. Silence as a positive form of communication is everywhere in scripture and in nature!

First, more scripture...check this out...

1) Be still and know that I am God (psalm 46:10)
2)Be silent before the Lord God! (zephaniah 1:7)
3) But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth keep silence before him! (habakkuk 2:20)
4) Never be rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be quick to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven, and you upon earth; therefore let your words be few. (ecclesiastes 5:2)

The advice and admonitions in scripture are certainly there, but I've seen it even in nature. It is felt in the quiet communion between two lovers when words are just completely superfluous. I mean, isn't that the kind of communication you would like to have with your future spouse? If God has a woman out there for me, I certainly would! Another example would be felt in the whispers of a mother comforting her child. I don't think it's so much the words that are said as it is the silent presence of the loving mother being made known to her child.

I think silence has gotten a bad rap because so often it is associated with loneliness, emptiness, relational failure, abandonment, and crushed hopes. I can't count the number of times that I've waited patiently for an expression of love, someone's blessing, or an apology and just been completely disappointed and disillusioned by their silence. It isn't the only possibility though. I'm presented with a new paradoxical sense of silence in that it fosters communication and strong relationships. It's an easy prescription that is difficult in practice.

I know it's worth the effort. Think of all the great spiritual leaders (Moses, Elijah, John the Baptist, Paul, and Jesus) who spent time in the desert and wilderness. It's not a flight from the world, but an attendance to the Lord in such a way that we come to know Him and ourselves. So yea, with all that being said, I'm really going to work on taking some time to be a little more silent. I think it will even have a really good impact on my friendships. I know I've been doing a lot of listening without really hearing, and I've done a lot of acting without really thinking, and it's about time that changed. Well, thanks for reading this...I know it was a bit long. Oh, also, if anyone has any practical ideas on how to make this work, I would love to hear 'em! My name is Jonathan Clark, and I've been silent for 45 minutes. :)