Summer Squash Soup

For me, soup has always been the girl that got away (disclaimer: not in the stalker/rapist sense). I can't count the number of times I've walked into a restaurant and enjoyed the most flavorful soups, then attempted something similar in my own kitchen that ended in a texture disaster or flavor crisis. It's just never the same.

I was browsing through Thomas Keller's (French Laundry, Ad Hoc, Per Se, etc.) book, Ad Hoc at Home, the other day and was struck by his thoughts on soup. He mentions something to the tune of every home cook having one or two great soup recipes they can rely on for summer and winter seasons. Soup has always been the hole in my recipe arsenal; I have my go-to's for meats, veggies, salads, breakfasts, and desserts, but soup has been elusive. Sure, there have been some good attempts, but nothing that I would ever serve to anyone besides myself and my wife (read: guinea pigs).

Mal and I have been enjoying the Upper Haight farmers' market on Wednesday evenings for a couple months now. The last few times we've been, some pretty incredible summer squash was just begging to be taken home and put to good use. A couple weeks ago, I tried out a summer veggie carbonara that was pretty good, but didn't quite make the cut. Besides, it's tough to get the stamp of approval from Mal on bacon dishes.

How could I say no?

That brings us to the wonderful recipe below: healthy, delicious, cheap, seasonal, easy, and makes a ton of soup. It's a winner, and I finally have an excellent soup recipe! (Note: since discovering this soup, I've actually made an excellent broccoli cheddar soup and chicken tortilla soup that I'll have to post later).

Summer Squash Soup with Parsley-Mint Pistou

Adapted from Gourmet, September 2006 and Smitten Kitchen

For Soup

3/4 stick unsalted butter, cut into pieces

1 medium onion, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced crosswise

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 lb yellow summer squash, halved and thinly sliced

2 carrots, thinly sliced

1 yellow-fleshed potato (1/2 pound), peeled, halved, and thinly sliced

4 cups chicken stock or reduced-sodium chicken broth

For Pistou - the green swirly. Mal hated it, I loved it. Soup is great either way.

3/4 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves

1/2 cup loosely packed fresh flat-leaf parsley sprigs

1 large scallion (green onion), chopped

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

2 tbs water

1/4 teaspoon salt

How To

Melt butter in a 6 quart wide heavy pot over medium heat, then cook onion with salt, stirring occasionally until softened, about 8 minutes. Add your squash, carrots, potato, and stock and bring to a boil. If the stock doesn't quite cover the veggies, then add some water. The size of the veggies is less important in this recipe as far as overcooking and undercooking goes since we're pureeing at the end. Just make sure they all get cooked. Reduce heat, then simmer, partially covered, until veggies are very tender, about 20 minutes. Remove from heat and then cool the soup for 10 minutes.

Puree the soup in a blender, food processor, or use a hand blender (easiest). Do it in batches if needed, and be careful since it's hot. Return the puree to the pot and add water if you need to thin it out. At this point, season generously with salt and keep tasting until it gets to the flavor you want. I used A LOT of salt to get the flavor to really pop, especially since the chicken broth I used was reduced sodium. Don't feel guilty, just do it.

If you want to do the pistou, make it while the veggies simmer. Pulse the mint, parsley, and scallion in a food processor until finely chopped. With motor running, add oil in a stream, and then add water and salt until it is all incorporated.

Swirl 1 tablespoon of pistou into each bowl of soup. Enjoy!!!

For me, soup has always been the girl that got away (disclaimer: not in the stalker/rapist sense). I can't count the number of times I've walked into a restaurant and enjoyed the most flavorful soups, then attempted something similar in my own kitchen that ended in a texture disaster or flavor crisis. It's just never the same.

I was browsing through Thomas Keller's (French Laundry, Ad Hoc, Per Se, etc.) book, Ad Hoc at Home, the other day and was struck by his thoughts on soup. He mentions something to the tune of every home cook having one or two great soup recipes they can rely on for summer and winter seasons. Soup has always been the hole in my recipe arsenal; I have my go-to's for meats, veggies, salads, breakfasts, and desserts, but soup has been elusive. Sure, there have been some good attempts, but nothing that I would ever serve to anyone besides myself and my wife (read: guinea pigs).

Mal and I have been enjoying the Upper Haight farmers' market on Wednesday evenings for a couple months now. The last few times we've been, some pretty incredible summer squash was just begging to be taken home and put to good use. A couple weeks ago, I tried out a summer veggie carbonara that was pretty good, but didn't quite make the cut. Besides, it's tough to get the stamp of approval from Mal on bacon dishes.

How could I say no?

That brings us to the wonderful recipe below: healthy, delicious, cheap, seasonal, easy, and makes a ton of soup. It's a winner, and I finally have an excellent soup recipe! (Note: since discovering this soup, I've actually made an excellent broccoli cheddar soup and chicken tortilla soup that I'll have to post later).

Summer Squash Soup with Parsley-Mint Pistou

Adapted from Gourmet, September 2006 and Smitten Kitchen

For Soup

3/4 stick unsalted butter, cut into pieces

1 medium onion, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced crosswise

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 lb yellow summer squash, halved and thinly sliced

2 carrots, thinly sliced

1 yellow-fleshed potato (1/2 pound), peeled, halved, and thinly sliced

4 cups chicken stock or reduced-sodium chicken broth

For Pistou - the green swirly. Mal hated it, I loved it. Soup is great either way.

3/4 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves

1/2 cup loosely packed fresh flat-leaf parsley sprigs

1 large scallion (green onion), chopped

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

2 tbs water

1/4 teaspoon salt

How To

Melt butter in a 6 quart wide heavy pot over medium heat, then cook onion with salt, stirring occasionally until softened, about 8 minutes. Add your squash, carrots, potato, and stock and bring to a boil. If the stock doesn't quite cover the veggies, then add some water. The size of the veggies is less important in this recipe as far as overcooking and undercooking goes since we're pureeing at the end. Just make sure they all get cooked. Reduce heat, then simmer, partially covered, until veggies are very tender, about 20 minutes. Remove from heat and then cool the soup for 10 minutes.

Puree the soup in a blender, food processor, or use a hand blender (easiest). Do it in batches if needed, and be careful since it's hot. Return the puree to the pot and add water if you need to thin it out. At this point, season generously with salt and keep tasting until it gets to the flavor you want. I used A LOT of salt to get the flavor to really pop, especially since the chicken broth I used was reduced sodium. Don't feel guilty, just do it.

If you want to do the pistou, make it while the veggies simmer. Pulse the mint, parsley, and scallion in a food processor until finely chopped. With motor running, add oil in a stream, and then add water and salt until it is all incorporated.

Swirl 1 tablespoon of pistou into each bowl of soup. Enjoy!!!

Grandma's Baked Oatmeal

Copy this one down and enjoy it while you can! I'm not quite sure what the legal ramifications are for giving away family secrets, but I may receive a cease and desist in a few days for giving away my grandmother's recipes :) She and Grandpa figured out the internet a few years ago, so when she is not updating her geocities page, I'm sure she's just waiting for a family recipe to leak on here.

Joking aside, the best part about recipes from someone who has lived through the Great Depression and raised five children is that 1) the recipes are always simple, 2) the food is always delicious, and 3) all the ingredients are things you already have in your cupboard.

Baked oatmeal has been a breakfast staple for the Clark family for as long as I can remember. The dish is golden, crumbly, with subtle balance of sweet and salty. The recipe is versatile as you can add a 1/2 cup of craisins or chopped walnuts, pecans, etc. to mix things up a bit. I prefer my baked oatmeal plain, with some frozen raspberries served on top *mouth waters*.

Without further delay...

Ingredients (For 8x8 or a bread pan. For a 9x13 pan, double the ingredients below)
- 1 egg
- 3/4 cu. milk
- 1/3 cu. oil (canola)
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 cu. brown sugar
- 2 cu. oats
- 1 1/2 tsp baking powder

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In a bowl, beat the egg. Add the milk, oil, salt, and brown sugar and mix well. Add in the oats and baking powder. It shouldn't be watery, but it's ok if it looks a little thin. If it is really thin for some reason, just add a more oats to round things out. Pour the mixture into a greased pan or baking dish. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes until set and lightly browned.

I took a picture above, but it was on the hipstamatic app. I don't know what I was thinking...the app does a good job for friends and narcissistic self portraits, but not so much on food. Just imagine less red, and more golden brown goodness. Enjoy!
Copy this one down and enjoy it while you can! I'm not quite sure what the legal ramifications are for giving away family secrets, but I may receive a cease and desist in a few days for giving away my grandmother's recipes :) She and Grandpa figured out the internet a few years ago, so when she is not updating her geocities page, I'm sure she's just waiting for a family recipe to leak on here.

Joking aside, the best part about recipes from someone who has lived through the Great Depression and raised five children is that 1) the recipes are always simple, 2) the food is always delicious, and 3) all the ingredients are things you already have in your cupboard.

Baked oatmeal has been a breakfast staple for the Clark family for as long as I can remember. The dish is golden, crumbly, with subtle balance of sweet and salty. The recipe is versatile as you can add a 1/2 cup of craisins or chopped walnuts, pecans, etc. to mix things up a bit. I prefer my baked oatmeal plain, with some frozen raspberries served on top *mouth waters*.

Without further delay...

Ingredients (For 8x8 or a bread pan. For a 9x13 pan, double the ingredients below)
- 1 egg
- 3/4 cu. milk
- 1/3 cu. oil (canola)
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 cu. brown sugar
- 2 cu. oats
- 1 1/2 tsp baking powder

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In a bowl, beat the egg. Add the milk, oil, salt, and brown sugar and mix well. Add in the oats and baking powder. It shouldn't be watery, but it's ok if it looks a little thin. If it is really thin for some reason, just add a more oats to round things out. Pour the mixture into a greased pan or baking dish. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes until set and lightly browned.

I took a picture above, but it was on the hipstamatic app. I don't know what I was thinking...the app does a good job for friends and narcissistic self portraits, but not so much on food. Just imagine less red, and more golden brown goodness. Enjoy!

la blogotheque

La Blogotheque is a wonderful site from a small group of French guys who shoot impromptu music videos of great bands playing on the streets of Paris, Montreal, etc. These little bits of joy are titled les concerts a emporter, or the takeaway shows.

I recently found that the group shot three songs for local natives during their time in st. malo - "wide eyes" on a carousel; "airplanes" at the ocean; and "stranger things" in a small pub. The "stranger things" segment of the video is particularly beautiful. Check it out!

(Sorry the video is so small...had to shrink it down to fit the blog. Just make it full screen to get a better view)

La Blogotheque is a wonderful site from a small group of French guys who shoot impromptu music videos of great bands playing on the streets of Paris, Montreal, etc. These little bits of joy are titled les concerts a emporter, or the takeaway shows.

I recently found that the group shot three songs for local natives during their time in st. malo - "wide eyes" on a carousel; "airplanes" at the ocean; and "stranger things" in a small pub. The "stranger things" segment of the video is particularly beautiful. Check it out!

(Sorry the video is so small...had to shrink it down to fit the blog. Just make it full screen to get a better view)

beer batter bread

A few nights ago, Mal and I cooked up a large batch of our dear friend Jenna's famous kale and white bean soup. The recipe is actually from Real Simple, but might as well be canonized as a family recipe given the depth of flavor, the honesty of the ingredients, and the simplicity of preparation. If you haven't yet, check out Jenna's blog, google kale so you know what to get at the store (I accidentally bought butter lettuce the first time), and make this delicious soup for your friends and family tonight!

The problem I run across with hearty vegetarian soups is what to serve with them. In this case, the soup might as well qualify as a salad with all the leafy, green-y goodness. The recipe calls for relatively little pasta, so I suppose the carbohydrate department was hiring for dinner. To complement this relatively simple soup, I baked up an even simpler bread with the one ingredient to rule them all - BEER!



This quick bread is easy to make and tastes delicious with a thick layer of butter, making it the perfect partner for hearty soups, stews, and braises. The recipe comes from the Williams-Sonoma Baking Book, which has pretty consistently delivered fantastic recipes with varying degrees of difficulty and time consumption. The recipe below makes one 9-by-5 inch loaf.

Ingredients

- 3 cups all-purpose (plain) flour
- 3 tbsp firmly packed light brown sugar
- 1 tbsp baking powder
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 bottle (12 fl oz) beer, unopened and at room temperature
- 4 tbsp unsalted butter, melted, plus extra for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375. Grease a 9-by-5-inch loaf pan.

In a bowl, stir together the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, and salt. Open the beer and add it all at once; it should foam up. I used a bottle of Negra Modelo, as it was all I had on hand (besides one can of Tecate, but who really wants their bread to taste like Taco Tuesday?) The flavor turned out really well, but I'd be interested to hear if anyone has a good experience with a bit more unique beer. IPA? A nice red (I'm thinking Bear Republic Red Rocket for my next round of this bread)?

Stir the batter quickly until the ingredients combine (about 20 strokes). Note: at this point in the recipe, I had less of a better and more of a dough. I was well on the way to making beer dough bread, as I was literally kneading a ball of dough rather than mixing the ingredients in the bowl. I don't know whether to attribute this to slightly cool beer or a general lack of wet ingredients in this recipe, but it still turned out great. Either way, your batter (or dough) should be a bit lumpy. Pour (or place, in my case) into the greased loaf pan and drizzle with the melted butter.

Bake until the top is crusty and a cake tester comes out of the center clean, about 35-40 minutes. Let the bread rest in the pan 5 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack to cool. The bread is best served warm or at room temp the day it is made. Cut thick and put plenty of butter on this baby to really make this bread stand out.

Thoughts on leftovers: Just reheated some bread for breakfast this morning with kerry gold irish butter and my homemade raspberry jam. Just as good as the night before! A few nights ago, Mal and I cooked up a large batch of our dear friend Jenna's famous kale and white bean soup. The recipe is actually from Real Simple, but might as well be canonized as a family recipe given the depth of flavor, the honesty of the ingredients, and the simplicity of preparation. If you haven't yet, check out Jenna's blog, google kale so you know what to get at the store (I accidentally bought butter lettuce the first time), and make this delicious soup for your friends and family tonight!

The problem I run across with hearty vegetarian soups is what to serve with them. In this case, the soup might as well qualify as a salad with all the leafy, green-y goodness. The recipe calls for relatively little pasta, so I suppose the carbohydrate department was hiring for dinner. To complement this relatively simple soup, I baked up an even simpler bread with the one ingredient to rule them all - BEER!



This quick bread is easy to make and tastes delicious with a thick layer of butter, making it the perfect partner for hearty soups, stews, and braises. The recipe comes from the Williams-Sonoma Baking Book, which has pretty consistently delivered fantastic recipes with varying degrees of difficulty and time consumption. The recipe below makes one 9-by-5 inch loaf.

Ingredients

- 3 cups all-purpose (plain) flour
- 3 tbsp firmly packed light brown sugar
- 1 tbsp baking powder
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 bottle (12 fl oz) beer, unopened and at room temperature
- 4 tbsp unsalted butter, melted, plus extra for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375. Grease a 9-by-5-inch loaf pan.

In a bowl, stir together the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, and salt. Open the beer and add it all at once; it should foam up. I used a bottle of Negra Modelo, as it was all I had on hand (besides one can of Tecate, but who really wants their bread to taste like Taco Tuesday?) The flavor turned out really well, but I'd be interested to hear if anyone has a good experience with a bit more unique beer. IPA? A nice red (I'm thinking Bear Republic Red Rocket for my next round of this bread)?

Stir the batter quickly until the ingredients combine (about 20 strokes). Note: at this point in the recipe, I had less of a better and more of a dough. I was well on the way to making beer dough bread, as I was literally kneading a ball of dough rather than mixing the ingredients in the bowl. I don't know whether to attribute this to slightly cool beer or a general lack of wet ingredients in this recipe, but it still turned out great. Either way, your batter (or dough) should be a bit lumpy. Pour (or place, in my case) into the greased loaf pan and drizzle with the melted butter.

Bake until the top is crusty and a cake tester comes out of the center clean, about 35-40 minutes. Let the bread rest in the pan 5 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack to cool. The bread is best served warm or at room temp the day it is made. Cut thick and put plenty of butter on this baby to really make this bread stand out.

Thoughts on leftovers: Just reheated some bread for breakfast this morning with kerry gold irish butter and my homemade raspberry jam. Just as good as the night before!

this past week...

things i enjoyed...

1) growing closer to God
2) spending the weekend with Mallory
3) the shack
4) brooks brothers 3-pack slim fits
5) my first musical
6) fixing up an old victorian chair
7) long convos on the 5
8) weekend plans with good men
9) checking twitter for the umpteenth time
10) 3-day weekend
11) blue skies and crisp air
12) new TOMS
13) engagement photos things i enjoyed...

1) growing closer to God
2) spending the weekend with Mallory
3) the shack
4) brooks brothers 3-pack slim fits
5) my first musical
6) fixing up an old victorian chair
7) long convos on the 5
8) weekend plans with good men
9) checking twitter for the umpteenth time
10) 3-day weekend
11) blue skies and crisp air
12) new TOMS
13) engagement photos

words

have you ever been in a situation where you know something is true with all your heart, but it never really hits home until its spoken aloud?

i think a lot of things in life are like that, and i wonder at the power words have to both comfort and disillusion.

in a good sense, i know that the first time i told mallory that i loved her, she experienced the confirming power of spoken word over all that she had grown to know and feel. in a sense, speaking those beautiful words made the reality more tangible to me as well.

tonight i experienced that same power of word in a different sense. tonight words confirmed something i had long known, but never accepted. I suppose that is a large part of love though...knowledge and acceptance that is...and love grows to encompass both. have you ever been in a situation where you know something is true with all your heart, but it never really hits home until its spoken aloud?

i think a lot of things in life are like that, and i wonder at the power words have to both comfort and disillusion.

in a good sense, i know that the first time i told mallory that i loved her, she experienced the confirming power of spoken word over all that she had grown to know and feel. in a sense, speaking those beautiful words made the reality more tangible to me as well.

tonight i experienced that same power of word in a different sense. tonight words confirmed something i had long known, but never accepted. I suppose that is a large part of love though...knowledge and acceptance that is...and love grows to encompass both.

transition

i've been thinking a lot about the transitions that i've gone through in my life to date, and more specifically, the transition that i'm passing through right now. it's actually a little bit overwhelming if i try to sit back and digest it all at one moment. there have been so many different kinds of transitions in my life, many of them simultaneous, overlapping, ebbing and flowing at various intensities, that reflecting on all this really moves me past the scope of my understanding as i look at the man i've become today.

for instance, there are the locational transitions...living in danville, moving to denver, moving to malibu, moving to florence, moving back to malibu, and finally landing back in the bay area; each transition with its own set of challenges and joys.

there is also the physical transition from childhood to adulthood. each stage has made its own unique mark on my life: my the pure joy of my youth, the seemingly "tortured" moments of my pre-adolescence which i would later find was quite wonderful and blessed, the awkwardness and confusion of adolescence, the exhilaration of reaching young adulthood, and the excited sense of content, assurance, and hope i feel as i step forward into the unknown as an adult.

oh and there are so many other transitions...the intellectual transition from pre-school to institutions of higher education and beyond...the spiritual transition from the faith of my parents to a dynamic relationship with the Lord...the relational transition as friends have come, gone, or continue to stay...i've really only touched on some of the most basic transitions, but i believe these are the most essential...you can weave the story of one's whole life when you layer these transitions upon each other, and if you pick up nearly every book, it is likely a story of transition and change.

i write this now because i want to reflect and slow down. i am now betrothed to mallory, and i think it almost goes without saying that behind my journey with the Lord, this is one of the most important periods of transition in my whole life. can i really say that though? who would i be today if not for every little transition, every change, every movement, every friend, every hardship, every loss, every triumph, every joy? the truth of the matter is that life is all one transition, one movement, moving in the same direction, never ceasing, never slowing...i find myself so buried in the minutia of the day that i've almost lost the beauty of this grand movement. imagine...the whole world, every person, moving, changing, coming, going, passing through, staying (but only for a while), and one day, at the end of our time, we meet the One who knew us, who loved us, who walked with us, who spoke to us, and who held my hand and guided my step through every change along the way.

God, to YOU be all the glory as i wake and sleep each day. please guide my steps as I pass through this life. i want to live every day to the fullest and richest, not in fear of transition, but loving the people and embracing the opportunities you've put in my life now. i love you with all my heart. i've been thinking a lot about the transitions that i've gone through in my life to date, and more specifically, the transition that i'm passing through right now. it's actually a little bit overwhelming if i try to sit back and digest it all at one moment. there have been so many different kinds of transitions in my life, many of them simultaneous, overlapping, ebbing and flowing at various intensities, that reflecting on all this really moves me past the scope of my understanding as i look at the man i've become today.

for instance, there are the locational transitions...living in danville, moving to denver, moving to malibu, moving to florence, moving back to malibu, and finally landing back in the bay area; each transition with its own set of challenges and joys.

there is also the physical transition from childhood to adulthood. each stage has made its own unique mark on my life: my the pure joy of my youth, the seemingly "tortured" moments of my pre-adolescence which i would later find was quite wonderful and blessed, the awkwardness and confusion of adolescence, the exhilaration of reaching young adulthood, and the excited sense of content, assurance, and hope i feel as i step forward into the unknown as an adult.

oh and there are so many other transitions...the intellectual transition from pre-school to institutions of higher education and beyond...the spiritual transition from the faith of my parents to a dynamic relationship with the Lord...the relational transition as friends have come, gone, or continue to stay...i've really only touched on some of the most basic transitions, but i believe these are the most essential...you can weave the story of one's whole life when you layer these transitions upon each other, and if you pick up nearly every book, it is likely a story of transition and change.

i write this now because i want to reflect and slow down. i am now betrothed to mallory, and i think it almost goes without saying that behind my journey with the Lord, this is one of the most important periods of transition in my whole life. can i really say that though? who would i be today if not for every little transition, every change, every movement, every friend, every hardship, every loss, every triumph, every joy? the truth of the matter is that life is all one transition, one movement, moving in the same direction, never ceasing, never slowing...i find myself so buried in the minutia of the day that i've almost lost the beauty of this grand movement. imagine...the whole world, every person, moving, changing, coming, going, passing through, staying (but only for a while), and one day, at the end of our time, we meet the One who knew us, who loved us, who walked with us, who spoke to us, and who held my hand and guided my step through every change along the way.

God, to YOU be all the glory as i wake and sleep each day. please guide my steps as I pass through this life. i want to live every day to the fullest and richest, not in fear of transition, but loving the people and embracing the opportunities you've put in my life now. i love you with all my heart.

Holy Father, i am weary and i am weak. there is a swelling in my throat and i'm having trouble differentiating between the pain from screaming rock band songs and the all too familiar feeling of helplessness when i realize i can't navigate this life without You.

to You be all the glory. please take my burden. You've promised that Yours is light in exchange. i long to follow You and know Your ways. i want to be close to Your heart. i want my life to reflect your Lordship and i am disappointed in my own attempts.

i'm beginning, what seems to me, one of the most important stages of my life to date. i want to follow You into the dark, into the unknown. like a small child, i want to stand behind You, hold Your mighty hand, and know that you are God, you are Father, and you are strong. thank You for Your many blessings. i love You with all my heart.

your son,
Jonathan Holy Father, i am weary and i am weak. there is a swelling in my throat and i'm having trouble differentiating between the pain from screaming rock band songs and the all too familiar feeling of helplessness when i realize i can't navigate this life without You.

to You be all the glory. please take my burden. You've promised that Yours is light in exchange. i long to follow You and know Your ways. i want to be close to Your heart. i want my life to reflect your Lordship and i am disappointed in my own attempts.

i'm beginning, what seems to me, one of the most important stages of my life to date. i want to follow You into the dark, into the unknown. like a small child, i want to stand behind You, hold Your mighty hand, and know that you are God, you are Father, and you are strong. thank You for Your many blessings. i love You with all my heart.

your son,
Jonathan

a new project!!!!

i've had a side project on the backburner of my mind for a number of months now, and i'm feeling so strongly compelled to take action that it just might happen.

it all started in a creative rut. my line of work doesn't necessarily lend to the highest degree of creative output (unless you're bernard madoff, in which case you got REALLY creative and lost your character in the process). i suppose there is some truth in saying that creativity is required in appropriately structuring a loan, as much of the syndicated corporate lending space does not resign itself to your plain vanilla structuring needs. that aside, i've had to pursue creative outlets outside of work.

for a while, i would fire up my beautiful 5150 every night and shred until i felt it was sufficiently late that my neighbors would pound on the wall at any moment. recently though, i've been so exhausted from work that i really have not felt very musical, and instead, have chosen to sit in mike's dilapidated lazy boy and watch 24/lost/the office/etc. until my early bed time rolls around.

i've been getting a bit restless with no outlet for my creativity, so i tried imitating mallory for a while and found that most arts and crafts really aren't a guy thing, and that it is pretty wrong of me to even attempt to steal her "thunder" in this area. crafts are something that she is really good at, and just because i'm starving to find a creative outlet doesn't mean that i should latch on to hers. i learned this lesson early (fortunately without a lecture from her!) and i hit the road again in search of my exit.

i noticed something a couple months ago that got me thinking about my current project: men in our generation have very few role models. aside from men in the Bible, and those of us who are lucky enough to have wonderful fathers or older influences, i really believe there is a drought when it comes to male role models of immovable character, outstanding courage, deep faith and love, lofty thought, romantic hearts, articulate speech, and effortless style. i could write volumes about the previous sentence and all the men i look up to in those respective areas, but what inspired me creatively is the most superficial of these traits...the men of seemingly effortless and eternal style.

where are the bogart's, sinatra's, martin's, davis jr's, twain's, warhol's, jagger's, clooney's, reagan's, and beatles', etc. of our generation? as i've grown up, i've bounced from one horrible style into another...yes, jinco's, bull cuts, flat tops, tommy bahama, and abercrombie cargo pants included...largely because i had no one to teach me how to present myself like a man/young man! today i find myself no closer than my middle school days as i walk into the office with oxford shirts that could fit men three times my size, skinny jeans that bunch up in all the wrong places, and deep v's that have enough extra material on the chest to fit boobs that i (thankfully) was not endowed with.

so what value could i possibly add to this area of life given that i have little to no style of my own?!? i've decided to approach this problem two ways. 1) i'm going on a journey. given that i have no substantive advice of my own to offer, i've started researching and learning. my goal is to write another blog that is an amalgamation of everything that i've learned about the essentials of men's style and grooming. this will not be the most fashion forward stuff. this will not be all that trash you see on the runways. i want to write a basic guide for men that just teaches us (emphasis on myself included) how we can dress ourselves and take care of ourselves hygenically in such a way that we don't look like we never progressed beyond the watchful, nitpicking eye of our mothers in elementary school.

my second approach to this problem is where i can actually add some value. i've always been really good at finding the same thing everyone else has for a lot less money. i'm not always the most innovative, i'm not always ahead of the curve, but i'm really good at finding stuff for cheap. example: capiz floor lamps.


mallory has a capiz table lamp that is pretty baller, albeit a bit fem. i was wandering around target the other day and found two capiz floor lamps at a deeeeep discount. this was more of a mistake than diligent research on my part, but having an eye for deals, i did a quick check with her and snatched these babies up for our future casa. to put this in perspective, these things usually go for ~$230 each at west elm. i picked up two of these, nearly identical to the one above for $35 each. this puts savings somewhere in the ballpark of $390.

i'm not necessarily a cheapskate...i'm just a businessman who understands how businesses work. whenever you go into a place to buy something, there is obviously a profit margin attached. some stores are volume stores and will sell on thin margins, just barely over cost, and they stay in business because of the volume of items that they sell. other businesses market to you as "premium" or "designer" vendors and add ridiculously thick margins that no self-respecting person should ever pay. somehow we trick ourselves into thinking that because something is new, or designer, that it's ok to pay 500% the actual cost of making the item. this is never the case and it's all marketing. sure, some well made things cost a lot more to make and you need to pay up for the quality. in most cases though, especially the junk that comes out of the large fashion houses, the crap you're buying isn't worth nearly the sticker price.

essentially, the second part of my blog will teach guys (including myself, again), how to find the essentials (grooming and dress) for a price that you won't regret. this is my value add and hopefully will help some other curious viewers as well.

anyways, this might be a horrible idea, but i think it will be edifying for me at least in that i get to learn a few things about taking care of myself and i'll get to express myself somewhat uniquely and creatively in the process. thanks for reading!!!! i've had a side project on the backburner of my mind for a number of months now, and i'm feeling so strongly compelled to take action that it just might happen.

it all started in a creative rut. my line of work doesn't necessarily lend to the highest degree of creative output (unless you're bernard madoff, in which case you got REALLY creative and lost your character in the process). i suppose there is some truth in saying that creativity is required in appropriately structuring a loan, as much of the syndicated corporate lending space does not resign itself to your plain vanilla structuring needs. that aside, i've had to pursue creative outlets outside of work.

for a while, i would fire up my beautiful 5150 every night and shred until i felt it was sufficiently late that my neighbors would pound on the wall at any moment. recently though, i've been so exhausted from work that i really have not felt very musical, and instead, have chosen to sit in mike's dilapidated lazy boy and watch 24/lost/the office/etc. until my early bed time rolls around.

i've been getting a bit restless with no outlet for my creativity, so i tried imitating mallory for a while and found that most arts and crafts really aren't a guy thing, and that it is pretty wrong of me to even attempt to steal her "thunder" in this area. crafts are something that she is really good at, and just because i'm starving to find a creative outlet doesn't mean that i should latch on to hers. i learned this lesson early (fortunately without a lecture from her!) and i hit the road again in search of my exit.

i noticed something a couple months ago that got me thinking about my current project: men in our generation have very few role models. aside from men in the Bible, and those of us who are lucky enough to have wonderful fathers or older influences, i really believe there is a drought when it comes to male role models of immovable character, outstanding courage, deep faith and love, lofty thought, romantic hearts, articulate speech, and effortless style. i could write volumes about the previous sentence and all the men i look up to in those respective areas, but what inspired me creatively is the most superficial of these traits...the men of seemingly effortless and eternal style.

where are the bogart's, sinatra's, martin's, davis jr's, twain's, warhol's, jagger's, clooney's, reagan's, and beatles', etc. of our generation? as i've grown up, i've bounced from one horrible style into another...yes, jinco's, bull cuts, flat tops, tommy bahama, and abercrombie cargo pants included...largely because i had no one to teach me how to present myself like a man/young man! today i find myself no closer than my middle school days as i walk into the office with oxford shirts that could fit men three times my size, skinny jeans that bunch up in all the wrong places, and deep v's that have enough extra material on the chest to fit boobs that i (thankfully) was not endowed with.

so what value could i possibly add to this area of life given that i have little to no style of my own?!? i've decided to approach this problem two ways. 1) i'm going on a journey. given that i have no substantive advice of my own to offer, i've started researching and learning. my goal is to write another blog that is an amalgamation of everything that i've learned about the essentials of men's style and grooming. this will not be the most fashion forward stuff. this will not be all that trash you see on the runways. i want to write a basic guide for men that just teaches us (emphasis on myself included) how we can dress ourselves and take care of ourselves hygenically in such a way that we don't look like we never progressed beyond the watchful, nitpicking eye of our mothers in elementary school.

my second approach to this problem is where i can actually add some value. i've always been really good at finding the same thing everyone else has for a lot less money. i'm not always the most innovative, i'm not always ahead of the curve, but i'm really good at finding stuff for cheap. example: capiz floor lamps.


mallory has a capiz table lamp that is pretty baller, albeit a bit fem. i was wandering around target the other day and found two capiz floor lamps at a deeeeep discount. this was more of a mistake than diligent research on my part, but having an eye for deals, i did a quick check with her and snatched these babies up for our future casa. to put this in perspective, these things usually go for ~$230 each at west elm. i picked up two of these, nearly identical to the one above for $35 each. this puts savings somewhere in the ballpark of $390.

i'm not necessarily a cheapskate...i'm just a businessman who understands how businesses work. whenever you go into a place to buy something, there is obviously a profit margin attached. some stores are volume stores and will sell on thin margins, just barely over cost, and they stay in business because of the volume of items that they sell. other businesses market to you as "premium" or "designer" vendors and add ridiculously thick margins that no self-respecting person should ever pay. somehow we trick ourselves into thinking that because something is new, or designer, that it's ok to pay 500% the actual cost of making the item. this is never the case and it's all marketing. sure, some well made things cost a lot more to make and you need to pay up for the quality. in most cases though, especially the junk that comes out of the large fashion houses, the crap you're buying isn't worth nearly the sticker price.

essentially, the second part of my blog will teach guys (including myself, again), how to find the essentials (grooming and dress) for a price that you won't regret. this is my value add and hopefully will help some other curious viewers as well.

anyways, this might be a horrible idea, but i think it will be edifying for me at least in that i get to learn a few things about taking care of myself and i'll get to express myself somewhat uniquely and creatively in the process. thanks for reading!!!!

a social experiment of sorts

rather than being in my own self-absorbed world when i walk down the street, i've starting lifting up my eyes and looking around the city, looking into the eyes of others, and taking joy in my surroundings. it freaks people out if they are used to being in a zombie-esque state where everyone just walks from one task to another. i love it. rather than being in my own self-absorbed world when i walk down the street, i've starting lifting up my eyes and looking around the city, looking into the eyes of others, and taking joy in my surroundings. it freaks people out if they are used to being in a zombie-esque state where everyone just walks from one task to another. i love it.

come all you weary

So I'm sitting at work and had a bit of a discovery and I have to write this quickly before the beauty of the whole thing leaves me. I should probably also be quick because there is more than likely a guy locked in a dark room somewhere working for our company who watches my every move on the internet. I'm preeetty sure writing an entry here doesn't count as a value-added proposition…so I'll be brief.

I realized that God gives me perspective. I also realized what a rare and beautiful gift perspective is. Some of the wisest, most respected people I know are the ones who can simply put the everyday happenings of life into their proper places in the grand scheme.
Over the past week, I've heard what I would normally consider some pretty bad news from a variety of people on a variety of things. Instead of pulling my hair out and elevating my blood pressure to levels that kills men over 40, I've had a strange peace. I say strange because rationally, I feel like these things should stress me or make me angry, but I surprise even myself and stay calm.

My peace largely comes from knowing that the course of my life is ultimately in the Lord's hands. With trials comes perseverance, and when one door closes, another has opened somewhere in its place. I know that sounds a bit cliché, but I'm serious when I say that I'm relieved to have my life out of my control. It gives life depth, putting instances into perspective, knowing that others have endured far worse than I in the past, and that the quality of my future is dependent only on my ability to submit. Not saying that everyday with Jesus is a happy-go-lucky march into candyland, because that's not what He promises. It is, however, a rich journey where my burden is His, and His is mine. So I'm sitting at work and had a bit of a discovery and I have to write this quickly before the beauty of the whole thing leaves me. I should probably also be quick because there is more than likely a guy locked in a dark room somewhere working for our company who watches my every move on the internet. I'm preeetty sure writing an entry here doesn't count as a value-added proposition…so I'll be brief.

I realized that God gives me perspective. I also realized what a rare and beautiful gift perspective is. Some of the wisest, most respected people I know are the ones who can simply put the everyday happenings of life into their proper places in the grand scheme.
Over the past week, I've heard what I would normally consider some pretty bad news from a variety of people on a variety of things. Instead of pulling my hair out and elevating my blood pressure to levels that kills men over 40, I've had a strange peace. I say strange because rationally, I feel like these things should stress me or make me angry, but I surprise even myself and stay calm.

My peace largely comes from knowing that the course of my life is ultimately in the Lord's hands. With trials comes perseverance, and when one door closes, another has opened somewhere in its place. I know that sounds a bit cliché, but I'm serious when I say that I'm relieved to have my life out of my control. It gives life depth, putting instances into perspective, knowing that others have endured far worse than I in the past, and that the quality of my future is dependent only on my ability to submit. Not saying that everyday with Jesus is a happy-go-lucky march into candyland, because that's not what He promises. It is, however, a rich journey where my burden is His, and His is mine.

this is war

This is war like you ain't seen.
This winter's long, it's cold and mean.
With hangdog hearts we stood condemned,
But the tide turns now at Bethlehem.

This is war and born tonight,
The Word as flesh, the Lord of Light,
The Son of God, the low-born king;
Who demons fear, of whom angels sing.

This is war on sin and death;
The dark will take it's final breath.
It shakes the earth, confounds all plans;
The mystery of God as man.

It's the red ornament on the upper left! This is war like you ain't seen.
This winter's long, it's cold and mean.
With hangdog hearts we stood condemned,
But the tide turns now at Bethlehem.

This is war and born tonight,
The Word as flesh, the Lord of Light,
The Son of God, the low-born king;
Who demons fear, of whom angels sing.

This is war on sin and death;
The dark will take it's final breath.
It shakes the earth, confounds all plans;
The mystery of God as man.

It's the red ornament on the upper left!

more adventurous

so i've decided to do something very unlike myself and make a belated new years resolution this year. not only have i resolved to make a resolution (which is a resolution in and of itself) but i've resolved to commit to it (wow that's already two!). i pass through most new years without giving second thought to the things i want to personally accomplish the next year. but this new years was special and i decided this: wouldn't it be fun to look back on 2009 and say that i was more adventurous? and that's it...i resolve to be more adventurous.

now i know that you're probably all (not) thinking, "jonathan, wouldn't you count meeting a woman on the internet, falling madly in love with her, and trying to make her your wife in less than a year enough adventure for an entire decade?" To that i would scratch my hairless chin and answer, "hmmm, why yeessss!"

meeting mallory, falling in love with her, and exploring this life with God as our Shepherd certainly does qualify as the greatest adventure i have ever and will ever embark upon. this isn't a love letter though, so i'll refrain from getting too saccharine. i'm talking about the smaller adventures in life though: backpacking trips into the sierras, climbing halfdome, day hikes up diablo, cycling sweet east bay routes like three bears, late night bowling with friends, and anything else i can find to just soak every second of joy and beauty out of life that i can. more than anything though, i want to live unabashedly for Christ this year. cheers to the memories of 2008 and to the journey to come in 2009. so i've decided to do something very unlike myself and make a belated new years resolution this year. not only have i resolved to make a resolution (which is a resolution in and of itself) but i've resolved to commit to it (wow that's already two!). i pass through most new years without giving second thought to the things i want to personally accomplish the next year. but this new years was special and i decided this: wouldn't it be fun to look back on 2009 and say that i was more adventurous? and that's it...i resolve to be more adventurous.

now i know that you're probably all (not) thinking, "jonathan, wouldn't you count meeting a woman on the internet, falling madly in love with her, and trying to make her your wife in less than a year enough adventure for an entire decade?" To that i would scratch my hairless chin and answer, "hmmm, why yeessss!"

meeting mallory, falling in love with her, and exploring this life with God as our Shepherd certainly does qualify as the greatest adventure i have ever and will ever embark upon. this isn't a love letter though, so i'll refrain from getting too saccharine. i'm talking about the smaller adventures in life though: backpacking trips into the sierras, climbing halfdome, day hikes up diablo, cycling sweet east bay routes like three bears, late night bowling with friends, and anything else i can find to just soak every second of joy and beauty out of life that i can. more than anything though, i want to live unabashedly for Christ this year. cheers to the memories of 2008 and to the journey to come in 2009.

Firebreather

I went home to colorado over the holiday weekend to spend some precious time with my family and friends, from whom I've been removed far too long. I woke up Sunday morning and was delighted to find a thick blanket of snow spread over the ground like frosting. Two of my favorite things about colorado are the snow and the air. I love walking outside and "hearing" the sound of silence when it snows. The world is muffled by the falling snowflakes and its strangely comforting to see the world moving soundlessly in front of you. After living in california for so long, i had begun to forget what real silence feels like. What completes the whole experience, though, is the air. If you take in a big contented sigh, the purity of the cold air burns your lungs like fire. Even though it sounds a bit unpleasant, anyone who has breathed in that cold, dry air has felt a little rush of rejuvenation and alertness.



On a completely separate note, I sat down to write a little bit this evening and I felt really strongly that my words would be empty if I didn't sit down and read God's Word. I prayed for wisdom and discernment and it seemed good to me that I should start in on the book of James this evening. The first chapter couldn't be more perfect. It touches on temptation and how perseverance through testing leads to a complete, mature, finished person.

It makes so much sense. I'm at my best as a man when my heart isn't my own. When I devote my conversations, my private thoughts, my actions throughout the course of a day, my talents, my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my strengths to the Lord alone, I find myself infinitely more patient, more kind, more courageous, more just, more merciful, and more full of love than I could manage alone.

I'm at my best as a man when I love myself less. I've even noticed this with Mal...I love her so much that it takes my focus off myself and emboldens me to persevere through temptation. How much more so with God! Anyways, I know I've been rambling a bit, but I've been growing up a lot in character as I've learned that I'm not made up to be a selfish creature. I have so much more peace with others and myself when I love outwardly. Oppositely, it seems the more I dote upon myself, the more miserable I become and my best laid plans always get thwarted. I think I'm finally starting to grow up a little bit :) I went home to colorado over the holiday weekend to spend some precious time with my family and friends, from whom I've been removed far too long. I woke up Sunday morning and was delighted to find a thick blanket of snow spread over the ground like frosting. Two of my favorite things about colorado are the snow and the air. I love walking outside and "hearing" the sound of silence when it snows. The world is muffled by the falling snowflakes and its strangely comforting to see the world moving soundlessly in front of you. After living in california for so long, i had begun to forget what real silence feels like. What completes the whole experience, though, is the air. If you take in a big contented sigh, the purity of the cold air burns your lungs like fire. Even though it sounds a bit unpleasant, anyone who has breathed in that cold, dry air has felt a little rush of rejuvenation and alertness.



On a completely separate note, I sat down to write a little bit this evening and I felt really strongly that my words would be empty if I didn't sit down and read God's Word. I prayed for wisdom and discernment and it seemed good to me that I should start in on the book of James this evening. The first chapter couldn't be more perfect. It touches on temptation and how perseverance through testing leads to a complete, mature, finished person.

It makes so much sense. I'm at my best as a man when my heart isn't my own. When I devote my conversations, my private thoughts, my actions throughout the course of a day, my talents, my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my strengths to the Lord alone, I find myself infinitely more patient, more kind, more courageous, more just, more merciful, and more full of love than I could manage alone.

I'm at my best as a man when I love myself less. I've even noticed this with Mal...I love her so much that it takes my focus off myself and emboldens me to persevere through temptation. How much more so with God! Anyways, I know I've been rambling a bit, but I've been growing up a lot in character as I've learned that I'm not made up to be a selfish creature. I have so much more peace with others and myself when I love outwardly. Oppositely, it seems the more I dote upon myself, the more miserable I become and my best laid plans always get thwarted. I think I'm finally starting to grow up a little bit :)

a busy little bee

there's something magical about the sea. maybe its the great oceans' vast unknownability, its unsearchable depths, or its unabated power and fury? maybe its the romantic notions that have been attached to it since its inception: distance, homecoming, horizons, and loss. its waters sustain life and take it away. at the end of the day though, i'm humbled by its majesty and i'm reminded of the hand that made it.

it's too easy to keep your head down with your nose to the grindstone that God's glory goes unnoticed. i've been incredibly busy these past few days and i've joked that my BRBC (blood red bull content) levels are stratospheric. the past few work days have fallen in the 13-15 hour range and more than a couple meals have been forgotten and more than 40 winks have been lost. however, i've found incredible peace in a time when i've historically been at my wit's end. although buried under mountains of paper, there has been a steady hand under my chin and i have not been able to shake the unmistakable voice of the Lord that there is something more to these long hours than a two day turnaround to underwrite a $200MM senior unsecured credit facility. what is each day if not an opportunity to glorify the Lord?

my work is not for myself, but for the glory of the Lord. i am so thankful (and blessed) to have a job that fosters my learning and success when wall street has become abysmal and many more "qualified" persons than myself are living on their savings. i am thankful for my health. i am thankful for a bright mind and an able body so that i can work to the best of my ability. i am thankful that i can support myself and still have money to save for my future. and most of all, i am thankful for all the blood, sweat, and tears that the Lord has put into saving me so that i can meet with Him everyday and glorify Him with my work.

i pray that i never lose sight of the blessings that You've given me. may my life's work always be devoted to Your ends and to further Your glory. i love you forever. there's something magical about the sea. maybe its the great oceans' vast unknownability, its unsearchable depths, or its unabated power and fury? maybe its the romantic notions that have been attached to it since its inception: distance, homecoming, horizons, and loss. its waters sustain life and take it away. at the end of the day though, i'm humbled by its majesty and i'm reminded of the hand that made it.

it's too easy to keep your head down with your nose to the grindstone that God's glory goes unnoticed. i've been incredibly busy these past few days and i've joked that my BRBC (blood red bull content) levels are stratospheric. the past few work days have fallen in the 13-15 hour range and more than a couple meals have been forgotten and more than 40 winks have been lost. however, i've found incredible peace in a time when i've historically been at my wit's end. although buried under mountains of paper, there has been a steady hand under my chin and i have not been able to shake the unmistakable voice of the Lord that there is something more to these long hours than a two day turnaround to underwrite a $200MM senior unsecured credit facility. what is each day if not an opportunity to glorify the Lord?

my work is not for myself, but for the glory of the Lord. i am so thankful (and blessed) to have a job that fosters my learning and success when wall street has become abysmal and many more "qualified" persons than myself are living on their savings. i am thankful for my health. i am thankful for a bright mind and an able body so that i can work to the best of my ability. i am thankful that i can support myself and still have money to save for my future. and most of all, i am thankful for all the blood, sweat, and tears that the Lord has put into saving me so that i can meet with Him everyday and glorify Him with my work.

i pray that i never lose sight of the blessings that You've given me. may my life's work always be devoted to Your ends and to further Your glory. i love you forever.

my heart fails within me

i feel incredibly weak. it's that sinking feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that keeps falling and falling to the point of nausea and exhaustion. this past week i've really taken on more than i can handle in nearly every aspect of my life and this feeling is somewhat of an eye-opener for me. i am weak. i am too weak and too insufficient to control all the aspects of my life that i am constantly juggling to feel "balanced". rather than balancing myself out and feeling well managed, i am burdened and exhausted. i've gotten myself in so deep that for every step i've tried to take this week, i've found myself two steps back from where i started. all of this stems from failing to give the One who really matters the time of day...the One who can actually provide balance and perspective...the One who has strength, wisdom, and love enough to cover any amount of my weakness, foolishness, and pettiness such that I can be whole and healthy. the One who i forgot was God.

God, please forgive me...i've busied myself, kept my head down, and run so far that i no longer have my bearings. i'm hopelessly lost and i need Your guidance. i want to honor You with my actions and my words, and i know i haven't. please take me and make me whole. please continue to mold me into a man after Your heart. my life is yours. i love you. amen. i feel incredibly weak. it's that sinking feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that keeps falling and falling to the point of nausea and exhaustion. this past week i've really taken on more than i can handle in nearly every aspect of my life and this feeling is somewhat of an eye-opener for me. i am weak. i am too weak and too insufficient to control all the aspects of my life that i am constantly juggling to feel "balanced". rather than balancing myself out and feeling well managed, i am burdened and exhausted. i've gotten myself in so deep that for every step i've tried to take this week, i've found myself two steps back from where i started. all of this stems from failing to give the One who really matters the time of day...the One who can actually provide balance and perspective...the One who has strength, wisdom, and love enough to cover any amount of my weakness, foolishness, and pettiness such that I can be whole and healthy. the One who i forgot was God.

God, please forgive me...i've busied myself, kept my head down, and run so far that i no longer have my bearings. i'm hopelessly lost and i need Your guidance. i want to honor You with my actions and my words, and i know i haven't. please take me and make me whole. please continue to mold me into a man after Your heart. my life is yours. i love you. amen.

team members

hello loyal readers,

i don't know why, but when my blog becomes self-aware it bothers me. but i'm going to keep that irking opening line (and these first two sentences) because if you do happen to be reading this, you are most likely mallory, a loyal friend, or a stalker because i never write in here anymore. so congratulations on cultivating the virtue that qualifies you as a "treasure" in my life, according to ecclesiastes.

so i tend to be a bit of a sponge when it comes to traditions and quirks. i rarely make up my own traditions, but i tend to pick up others' as i move through life. one of the more recent quirky little traditions i've started incorporating is the "team member" game. this game is most easily played in a large city where its denizens are so diverse in spectrum that the bizarre occurrences become commonplace. i didn't have to look too far...san francisco definitely qualifies. the game is a bit juvenile, more than a bit judgmental, and entirely reminds me of choosing kickball teams in elementary school. pretty much, anytime you run across an interesting character that you wouldn't necessarily want on your team for anything in life (with the exception of the circus), you inappropriately interrupt the current conversation to interject "your team!" and make some subtle motion towards the intended team member. example time: ancient asian man in little italy today with a "neard" down past his sternum. incredible. honestly...no facial hair, no chin hair...the "neard" probably started a full inch off his chin, nearly above the adam's apple. i was in awe. definitely deferred him to the other team.

here's the thing with this game though...i would guarantee you that 99.9% of team members in this world have an element where they are completely comfortable and accepted. i can also guarantee you that 100% of these people are loved by Jesus. it actually kind of comforts me to know that no matter how strange people get in this world, they are probably loved, liked, or accepted by someone else somewhere and they are most certainly loved by Christ. i should love them too. i should want them on my team because that's exactly what Jesus would do. He ate with the poor, the strange, and the outcasts. He came to save the sinners. my problem is that i'm just terrified of the person with the crazy eyes who's licking his lips at me and peeing on himself. too far? yea. incorrect? wouldn't be me if it wasn't. but seriously, i'm just afraid of people who aren't in my realm of daily experience or who don't quite view the world through my lens. how am i supposed to love these people? i suppose Christ, His love, and His methods far exceed my own fears, my own inabilities, and my own imperfections. i'll find the answer in Him. it'll just take time, as all good things seem to do from time to time (except some great things which blow your mind and expectations with the intensity of their haste and certainty...wink wink cough cough hint hint).

so to tie all these tangents together, i will likely continue to play the team member game into my old age because there is a part of my naive sheltered heart which never left the san ramon valley christian academy third grade kickball PE class. on the other hand, i hope that God helps me overcome my fear of the unknown so that i can be a better man.

that's all. oh, by the way, does anyone have a friend in the diamond business? and don't say the shane company...because their commercials suck and they don't count. hello loyal readers,

i don't know why, but when my blog becomes self-aware it bothers me. but i'm going to keep that irking opening line (and these first two sentences) because if you do happen to be reading this, you are most likely mallory, a loyal friend, or a stalker because i never write in here anymore. so congratulations on cultivating the virtue that qualifies you as a "treasure" in my life, according to ecclesiastes.

so i tend to be a bit of a sponge when it comes to traditions and quirks. i rarely make up my own traditions, but i tend to pick up others' as i move through life. one of the more recent quirky little traditions i've started incorporating is the "team member" game. this game is most easily played in a large city where its denizens are so diverse in spectrum that the bizarre occurrences become commonplace. i didn't have to look too far...san francisco definitely qualifies. the game is a bit juvenile, more than a bit judgmental, and entirely reminds me of choosing kickball teams in elementary school. pretty much, anytime you run across an interesting character that you wouldn't necessarily want on your team for anything in life (with the exception of the circus), you inappropriately interrupt the current conversation to interject "your team!" and make some subtle motion towards the intended team member. example time: ancient asian man in little italy today with a "neard" down past his sternum. incredible. honestly...no facial hair, no chin hair...the "neard" probably started a full inch off his chin, nearly above the adam's apple. i was in awe. definitely deferred him to the other team.

here's the thing with this game though...i would guarantee you that 99.9% of team members in this world have an element where they are completely comfortable and accepted. i can also guarantee you that 100% of these people are loved by Jesus. it actually kind of comforts me to know that no matter how strange people get in this world, they are probably loved, liked, or accepted by someone else somewhere and they are most certainly loved by Christ. i should love them too. i should want them on my team because that's exactly what Jesus would do. He ate with the poor, the strange, and the outcasts. He came to save the sinners. my problem is that i'm just terrified of the person with the crazy eyes who's licking his lips at me and peeing on himself. too far? yea. incorrect? wouldn't be me if it wasn't. but seriously, i'm just afraid of people who aren't in my realm of daily experience or who don't quite view the world through my lens. how am i supposed to love these people? i suppose Christ, His love, and His methods far exceed my own fears, my own inabilities, and my own imperfections. i'll find the answer in Him. it'll just take time, as all good things seem to do from time to time (except some great things which blow your mind and expectations with the intensity of their haste and certainty...wink wink cough cough hint hint).

so to tie all these tangents together, i will likely continue to play the team member game into my old age because there is a part of my naive sheltered heart which never left the san ramon valley christian academy third grade kickball PE class. on the other hand, i hope that God helps me overcome my fear of the unknown so that i can be a better man.

that's all. oh, by the way, does anyone have a friend in the diamond business? and don't say the shane company...because their commercials suck and they don't count.

On love

I've been doing a lot of thinking on love lately, and I'm starting to wonder if many of us have had it all wrong. I realized something important about a year and a half ago, and its only now that I have been tried and refined that I have finally found words for what I discovered back then: human beings really can't make one another very happy for long.

Let me explain: if we are to take love, or the object of our love (let's say a woman), as an end in itself, it is quite easy to fall into an obsessive, but quite natural, zeal for her. I think there is a part of this love that is very instinctive if we look at the bonds that are formed between lovers, friends, and families...but we can't allow love to end here. There is danger in allowing love, or its object, to exist as an end in itself because it goes bad when it is set up on its own. I think the most dangerous part about love is that there is something in it which makes it easy just to stop at the natural level and mistake it for something heavenly and eternal. Essentially it becomes a false god. I think it is somewhat easier to give up our base desires and appetites (like lust) to God because it's easier to recognize our need for salvation and redemption there. I think it's much harder to see when we've taken love as an end in itself and wronged God and others in doing so. There is only one Good in this world, and that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him. Not to say that love is holy or unholy in itself, but it becomes holy when God's hands are on the reins.

I think that God wants to take this instinctive, natural love and turn it into something better. We exist as fathers, mothers, siblings, children, and lovers only because we exist first as God's creation. That relationship is older and closer. God loves us deeply. God has suffered for us. God has waited a long time for us. He wants us to love each other as He understands love. I don't mean to say that I think loving other people is a means to an end, because each person we come across in our lives certainly has their own permanence, importance, and intrinsic value...it's just that we are not meant to stop and spend eternity there. We are meant to press on, journey further, and find God.

So where do we begin? For me, the only remedy to this "cheapened" sense of love was to take it away. It's only when this first sense of "love" lets us down that, in the loneliness and the silence, something else much grander has the chance to grow. I learned then and there to want God for His own sake. I began small...learning to want God besides friends, family, and a wife. God planted a small flame of desire for Him to start this process in me. It was later that I learned to want God more than these things. I learned all along that I had been wrong, and that there was no need to go on pretending as if I were right! My friends, my family, and this "perfect woman" that I had always dreamed of weren't mine...they were never meant to be. They are God's, and they always have been. However, at this point, paradoxically, God HAS given them to me in a sense as blessings, as an inheritance in His Family, in trust. I still am having trouble putting words to this event and this feeling...but it was only when I gave everything up that I truly received it for the first time. Maybe this is what the Bible is talking about when it says that you must "hate" your life before you can gain it. We give up our natural love of others as an end and learn to love God in its stead, only to receive love to give fully in the eternal sense. I've begun to truly live and truly love and I believe entirely that you cannot love another creature fully and rightly until you love God.

When Mallory and I were talking this morning, she touched on something important which got me thinking about writing this: she said that if I died, her life, her heart, and her ability to love others wouldn't be ruined because her love does not end with me...it ends with God. We both love God more than we love each other, and as such, we are learning to love each other fully. It took different events in our lives to pull us outside of ourselves, outside this natural sense of love, to draw us to the Lord so that He could reveal love to us in the eternal sense. But in losing ourselves to Him, I think we can both agree that we have received one thousand-fold what we gave up. To God be the glory, forever. I've been doing a lot of thinking on love lately, and I'm starting to wonder if many of us have had it all wrong. I realized something important about a year and a half ago, and its only now that I have been tried and refined that I have finally found words for what I discovered back then: human beings really can't make one another very happy for long.

Let me explain: if we are to take love, or the object of our love (let's say a woman), as an end in itself, it is quite easy to fall into an obsessive, but quite natural, zeal for her. I think there is a part of this love that is very instinctive if we look at the bonds that are formed between lovers, friends, and families...but we can't allow love to end here. There is danger in allowing love, or its object, to exist as an end in itself because it goes bad when it is set up on its own. I think the most dangerous part about love is that there is something in it which makes it easy just to stop at the natural level and mistake it for something heavenly and eternal. Essentially it becomes a false god. I think it is somewhat easier to give up our base desires and appetites (like lust) to God because it's easier to recognize our need for salvation and redemption there. I think it's much harder to see when we've taken love as an end in itself and wronged God and others in doing so. There is only one Good in this world, and that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him. Not to say that love is holy or unholy in itself, but it becomes holy when God's hands are on the reins.

I think that God wants to take this instinctive, natural love and turn it into something better. We exist as fathers, mothers, siblings, children, and lovers only because we exist first as God's creation. That relationship is older and closer. God loves us deeply. God has suffered for us. God has waited a long time for us. He wants us to love each other as He understands love. I don't mean to say that I think loving other people is a means to an end, because each person we come across in our lives certainly has their own permanence, importance, and intrinsic value...it's just that we are not meant to stop and spend eternity there. We are meant to press on, journey further, and find God.

So where do we begin? For me, the only remedy to this "cheapened" sense of love was to take it away. It's only when this first sense of "love" lets us down that, in the loneliness and the silence, something else much grander has the chance to grow. I learned then and there to want God for His own sake. I began small...learning to want God besides friends, family, and a wife. God planted a small flame of desire for Him to start this process in me. It was later that I learned to want God more than these things. I learned all along that I had been wrong, and that there was no need to go on pretending as if I were right! My friends, my family, and this "perfect woman" that I had always dreamed of weren't mine...they were never meant to be. They are God's, and they always have been. However, at this point, paradoxically, God HAS given them to me in a sense as blessings, as an inheritance in His Family, in trust. I still am having trouble putting words to this event and this feeling...but it was only when I gave everything up that I truly received it for the first time. Maybe this is what the Bible is talking about when it says that you must "hate" your life before you can gain it. We give up our natural love of others as an end and learn to love God in its stead, only to receive love to give fully in the eternal sense. I've begun to truly live and truly love and I believe entirely that you cannot love another creature fully and rightly until you love God.

When Mallory and I were talking this morning, she touched on something important which got me thinking about writing this: she said that if I died, her life, her heart, and her ability to love others wouldn't be ruined because her love does not end with me...it ends with God. We both love God more than we love each other, and as such, we are learning to love each other fully. It took different events in our lives to pull us outside of ourselves, outside this natural sense of love, to draw us to the Lord so that He could reveal love to us in the eternal sense. But in losing ourselves to Him, I think we can both agree that we have received one thousand-fold what we gave up. To God be the glory, forever.

pistol

a boyish love song. :-)



I love how you curse when I wake you up
And sweetly demand that I fill your cup.
I follow your cool gun powder glare
Honey, you lay me bare.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my bets,
Oh, I put all my money on you.

When I'm in the dark, girl, you bring me to light.
It seems like you're almost always right.
So keep boxing my ears when I sew them shut.
Baby, you sure are tough.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my fears,
Honey, I feel so safe around you.

If the tiller man taught me anything,
It's that a hard-headed woman is what I need
To help me to always do my best.
Baby, my life is blessed.

You're the girl of my dreams
Darling, please wear this ring
You're an angel through and through.
Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you.

Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you a boyish love song. :-)



I love how you curse when I wake you up
And sweetly demand that I fill your cup.
I follow your cool gun powder glare
Honey, you lay me bare.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my bets,
Oh, I put all my money on you.

When I'm in the dark, girl, you bring me to light.
It seems like you're almost always right.
So keep boxing my ears when I sew them shut.
Baby, you sure are tough.

You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my fears,
Honey, I feel so safe around you.

If the tiller man taught me anything,
It's that a hard-headed woman is what I need
To help me to always do my best.
Baby, my life is blessed.

You're the girl of my dreams
Darling, please wear this ring
You're an angel through and through.
Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you.

Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you

A couple of things

It's a "work night" so this is going to be a short one. It's funny how life comes full circle: my mom used to make me go to bed early on school nights and here I am eight years later forcing myself to get plenty of rest for my "big day" at work tomorrow. It actually will probably be a pretty big day considering all the stuff we have sitting in the pipeline right now coupled with how new I am to this line of work. To escalate my work day to epic levels, I plan on drinking a combination of at least three coffees/diet cokes before 10AM...failing that, I'll just stare at the Mondrian print I just hung up in my office until I feel inspired to underwrite the perfectly structured credit. I suppose this is as good a segway as any because I want to talk about art tonight...particularly music.

Without music we are left with speech. Now don't get me wrong, anyone who knows me in the least knows that I love conversation. However, I think sometimes I get carried away. I find myself talking too much and speaking too quickly often times. I don't think those things are necessarily bad in themselves, but from a spiritual standpoint, I find my affinity for talking to be a bit of a roadblock. I think this is where music plays its mysterious role in my life: it humbles me. Something about music just awakens my heart to God's sheer otherness. I'm left in his grandeur and I often feel a smallness that it's hard for me to find elsewhere. Something about music allows me to give over the reigns to my life to the Lord and be led. Music releases me from my mind and opens up the passions my heart. I think there is good spiritual practice here, on letting go.

Right now I'm learning to come to the Lord with blessings in my life, not just with sorrow. I've been incredibly blessed. I could write volumes on all the different aspects of my life and on those who surround me which and who I am thankful for. I struggle understanding God's graciousness here, and I find myself holding onto the blessings in my life too tightly, somewhat scared that with one misstep they may all slip away. And they may. But that is not for me to decide. My life is somewhat of a mosaic, and as God continues to reveal Himself and His plans for my life, I'm starting to realize that I need to give what I have to Him...in times of suffering AND in times of blessed hope and joy.

On one last tangential note, here is a video that I am obsessed with. Endeavor media group, the guys who shot this, are incredible. August burns red, the guys playing, are incredible. Together, they have combined forces and blown my mind twice. For those who don't know me very well, I love metal. Enjoy.


It's a "work night" so this is going to be a short one. It's funny how life comes full circle: my mom used to make me go to bed early on school nights and here I am eight years later forcing myself to get plenty of rest for my "big day" at work tomorrow. It actually will probably be a pretty big day considering all the stuff we have sitting in the pipeline right now coupled with how new I am to this line of work. To escalate my work day to epic levels, I plan on drinking a combination of at least three coffees/diet cokes before 10AM...failing that, I'll just stare at the Mondrian print I just hung up in my office until I feel inspired to underwrite the perfectly structured credit. I suppose this is as good a segway as any because I want to talk about art tonight...particularly music.

Without music we are left with speech. Now don't get me wrong, anyone who knows me in the least knows that I love conversation. However, I think sometimes I get carried away. I find myself talking too much and speaking too quickly often times. I don't think those things are necessarily bad in themselves, but from a spiritual standpoint, I find my affinity for talking to be a bit of a roadblock. I think this is where music plays its mysterious role in my life: it humbles me. Something about music just awakens my heart to God's sheer otherness. I'm left in his grandeur and I often feel a smallness that it's hard for me to find elsewhere. Something about music allows me to give over the reigns to my life to the Lord and be led. Music releases me from my mind and opens up the passions my heart. I think there is good spiritual practice here, on letting go.

Right now I'm learning to come to the Lord with blessings in my life, not just with sorrow. I've been incredibly blessed. I could write volumes on all the different aspects of my life and on those who surround me which and who I am thankful for. I struggle understanding God's graciousness here, and I find myself holding onto the blessings in my life too tightly, somewhat scared that with one misstep they may all slip away. And they may. But that is not for me to decide. My life is somewhat of a mosaic, and as God continues to reveal Himself and His plans for my life, I'm starting to realize that I need to give what I have to Him...in times of suffering AND in times of blessed hope and joy.

On one last tangential note, here is a video that I am obsessed with. Endeavor media group, the guys who shot this, are incredible. August burns red, the guys playing, are incredible. Together, they have combined forces and blown my mind twice. For those who don't know me very well, I love metal. Enjoy.